On Forgiveness And Healing
Too many times we talk about how easy it is to move on from hurtful situations. There is a podcast for it, a sermon, a book dedicated to it, and teachings, advice, opinions on how someone should move on from the past. BUT no one ever thinks to tell those who do the hurting how they should not go about rearing their heads. Some even go as far as quoting “things happen for a reason”, “see the good in the bad” and spiting people for not healing quickly, or getting over “with time”.
There is a need to know that not everyone is that lucky; not everyone is strong enough; not everyone has the good fortune of letting go; not everyone has a support system; not everyone meets that one person in shining rose gold armour to take their breathe and stress away; not everyone has the strength to just let good in and not many see good anymore as they expect to see a wolf jump out of the sheep’s clothing.
Which is why those who hurt people need to learn a thing or two, as well as everyone else.
First, what is forgiveness? “…release from guilt or penalty of an offence”. It is believed that in order to be fine, to truly heal, you have to “forgive”.. This is true, it has been proven.
Most times people find it doubly difficult to move on because they find out that the one who hurt them is living amazingly fine.
That’s why it is important to do what will make your heart at peace. Do not feed that mind of yours, do not feed your sad imagination because it will fester. It’ll only hurt more. Do not believe anyone or write up that says your ex wins the moment him/her block them on social media. Go ahead and block for you. Block him/her because your mental health is much more important, and also if you are the type to still stalk after the breakup.
But if you the one responsible for the hurt of another and are looking for ways to make amends, here are what you DO NOT do.
DO NOT offer friendship
Why would you want to give the person you hurt the option of being friends? They should be the ones doing you the honours. They get to decide if they’d like to not care what wrong you did and be civil with you immediately or not. It’s not up to you. Really!
DO NOT try to clear your own conscience at your own convenience
Look, let’s say your conscience began to prick you real bad and you felt the need to apologise and think you need to explain because your conscience is eating you up, DO NOT apologise at your own convenience. See, the person you hurt is still hurting. There is such a thing as the stages of grief. It doesn’t take 7 days for each to be fulfilled before she can smell the actual roses. It takes months, years sadly, and you coming to apologize months later does not help. So, it is not about you. Go on your knees, pray, move on and wait. Wait, till you know the person is okay so see your name pop up on her notification bar, wait till you know she would not weep after she hears you’re only just calling to apologise and not come back.
DO NOT send a text
Whether it’s a birthday text, or a congratulatory message on LinkedIn, whatever. Except it’s a life or death situation, you need to stay away. Do not begin with “I’m sorry I’m texting you, I did not know if you’ll want to hear from me”. That is purely insensitive and indirectly shows your disregard for the person’s feelings. Until a few months (or years) have passed, do not text the person you hurt. Wait until they have absolutely healed. If they do not want to talk to you, then, stay away.
DO NOT keep the numbers
This is something that needs to be studied, why you still hold on to the phone numbers? If you have absolutely no intention of coming back or being friends, sending the occasional “Hi” to ensure they are still accessible to you is narcissistic. Using a person’s emotions for manipulative fun is not right. Delete and behave!
Truly, forgiveness is needed, but it should be on their timeline/terms, not yours. It really is pleasant to hear someone who hurt you say the words “I’m sorry”. It helps with the healing process sometimes, other times it does not. Not everyone gets it. But does it make it easier to move on, we’ll never truly know? But if you truly are sorry, you will wait. And if you must absolve yourself, do it in person. It may be hard, but do it in person.
Shout out to everyone healing from things they can’t wholly speak about. You are strong, you are amazing, you are loved!