Now That Coronavirus Is Over (A Satire)
If we can defeat Ebola, what is Coronavirus that we cannot sound the battle cry against?
But first, heavens forbid we will be caught wearing the mark of the beast. Forget the polio vaccine and the other vaccines we have been given in the past. This vaccine is the mark of the beast, even though it is the same American computer billionaire who has been funding some other vaccines we have been taken. He has a covenant with this one. Did you not see how metals stick to the arms of those who have collected this vaccine? Our religious leaders even preached about it and we collectively refuse to be a partaker of this kingdom.
It is important to watch those videos on YouTube and read the many Whatsapp broadcast messages circulating so that when someone preaches vaccines, you can wage war in all your Whatsapp-informed armour to fight. Facebook has an easier solution, “Take a few sips of water every 15 minutes at least, even if the virus gets into your mouth, drinking water will wash it down through your stomach and the stomach acid will kill it.” Only those whose information is from these platforms can fight this war.
This COVID19 is the nemesis of those stealing our money. For all the times they wore the latest trendy outfits, wore expensive perfumes to events without giving out invites to the locals, for travelling out without bringing back chocolates, sharing hard currency on the streets, and for eating those meals unpronounceable names that do not have any nutrients, now is the time to be humbled.
As for the politicians, Corona is the wrath of the Nigerian god. For all the hardship, lack of hospital amenities and economic recession they left us with, the wrath of the Nigerian god is ready to smash them one by one. We do not mind that it has taken officials from other countries, the Nigerian god has been merciful to us but will be unkind to the politicians. And we know why the Nigerian god is visiting them. After all, they suddenly developed amnesia when other countries embarked on unemployment benefits. Even the ones announced by the state governments did not see the light of day in our families, and if you had the “do you know who I am” connection or knew a “cousin”, how fortunate you became to get two cups of rice, two noodle packs and the Almighty salt, a privilege for a family of 5. And if there is one thing politicians taught us in the last corona attack, it is that you can toss your giant of Africa image aside and beg nations on Twitter to save us from ourselves. If you still have some pride in your image, you can add “Nigeria, my dear country” and ask some of the world’s richest people like Elon Musk, to ‘dash’ you ventilators because the regained funds from the everlasting Swiss accounts have been re-looted.
As for the rest of us, the years of spending time under the harsh weather and taking walks under the sun will kill it. And if we ever have this virus, the sun coupled with the self-medicated malaria drugs will take it away.
There again, while other nations are really suffering from this, we know that corona is a farce in Nigeria because what we are suffering from is the hunger virus. It does not matter that there was a rising case of people infected; the government only announced a lockdown because other countries were doing the same. And to prove that we are right, the economy plunged even further. But thanks to the Nigerian god for showing us the way to the warehouses where they stocked up our palliatives. Ooh, how we raided and took our entitlements. Even though we think the Nigerian god isn’t doing enough, we attribute all our thanks because we now know our power. For all the expensive bread they left us with, if they lock down this economy one more time, we know what to do and where to visit. Besides, those Central Bank of Nigeria loans might cost more in the long run than looting.
We will agree to use the masks but why should we dispose of a single-use mask after use? If we wash it every day, no one will know that it has become ineffective. We can testify that this same mask has given us protection, whether it is on our chin, on one side of the ear, at the back of our head or in our pockets. If the government enforces the law again, we will borrow the mask the commercial drivers have used as a beautiful decoration in their buses and return it right after we pass the law enforcement agents. The expensive hand sanitizers are the World Health Organization’s problem to bother with and not ours. The Nigerian god will save us.
A house divided against itself cannot stand. If the law enforcement will stop talking and start working, then they must start with those big men, the ones we see on our televisions shaking hands and dancing at proximity, spraying hard currency and not us, pressing the same buttons on the ATM and struggling to collect our last amount.
Thanks to the end of the coronavirus, we can put back our “shuffering and shmiling” to the test. Now we can testify that we only live once. Those invites we claimed we were too introverted for and the low-budget weddings with family and friends will now die by fire. Our ears will no longer bear the pain of listening to government officials turned music artistes and their new releases.
Now that coronavirus is over, we can gather at our parties and reminisce about the government’s plot to keep us indoors- the propaganda that was spread across the country through various traditional and new media platforms. Did they not even steal our information and sell it to the Nigerian Centre For Diseases Control (NCDC)? Suddenly, NCDC became our lovers with its lazy attempts at romantic messages, “Good morning, stay safe and don’t forget to wear your mask”. Like the disdain we have for an unwanted lover, did we not ignore the message and fail to heed warnings of “staying safe?”
Did we not survive the first wave and the second wave? Now that coronavirus is over, they come again with talks about a new strain. This Delta Variant they call it. How dare these scientists try to fool us that it is deadlier than the first?. The Niger Delta militants bore arms no doubt, but this new strain, who does not know it is from the Niger Delta region? Ooh, you didn’t see that on Whatsapp? Forget that it was first reported to be from India in the media, there is a reason it has its name as Delta. We must come together and speak to our brothers and sisters from that region. They have to put this under control.
We are ready for our parties again, the aso ebi for the Owambe has been picked, we must pick money like there is no tomorrow, and forget the constant ringtone of social distancing. Have you not seen the Twitter and Instagram videos? We must all chop life and not let it chop us. They cannot fool us.
Now, we can go back to the days of “achuu achuue” and hear the people chorus, “Bless you”, masks down to our chins as we gabble away, everyone going about their business as usual. The Nigerian god has fought our battle once again and we can sleep at night because our god’s banner over us is love. We don’t have a part to fight in this war, the guardian angels are already doing the slaying for us.
Akinwale Akinyoade contributed to this article.