5 things NOT to say to parents of autistic children

Parenting is a full-time job in itself, but parenting an autistic child can be exacerbated by societal misunderstanding, unwanted advice, and hurtful comments. Well-intentioned individuals frequently make remarks that, although well-meaning, are extremely frustrating or even painful for parents who are trying to navigate the intricacies of autism. See five things you should not say to autistic parents and why each of these is so offensive.

But they don’t look autistic

Autism is not a physical condition that has a certain appearance. It is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication, behaviour, and interaction. When someone says, “But they don’t look autistic,” it unwittingly excludes the diversity of the autism spectrum. Two autistics are never the same, and by saying this, it implies that the person has a limited, sometimes stereotypical knowledge of autism.
Instead, acknowledge the child’s uniqueness and don’t judge from their looks. A better way to say this would be, “How do they perceive the world?” or “How can I find out more about their needs?”

They’ll grow out of it

Autism is not something one grows out of. It is a lifelong disability that impacts individuals differently as they mature. While some autistic kids learn to develop coping mechanisms or acquire new abilities that make life easier for them, it doesn’t mean that they grow out of autism.

This reaction minimises the struggles and experiences of both child and parents. It also creates unrealistic expectations, so that parents are failures if their child is not up to society’s standards of “progress.” A better response would be to offer support by saying, “I admire your patience and dedication. How can I help?”

Have you tried praying for them?

From gluten-free diets to alternative treatments, parents of autistic children are often bombarded with well-intentioned but unproven advice. While some treatments work, parents waste a tremendous amount of time researching and consulting with doctors about what is best for their child.

Inferring an random remedy or treatment can fatigue parents who have perhaps tried innumerable options already themselves. Refrain from dispensing gratuitous counsel instead, just listen and act as a booster. You might say, “That sounds daunting. You’re doing a tremendous job.”

I know just how you feel

Unless you are also raising an autistic child, you simply can’t really know exactly what they go through. While comparing oneself to others is understandable, stating so comes off as minimising the everyday difficulties particular to parents of autistic children.

Instead, express empathy without comparison. Try instead, “I don’t know how hard this is, but I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about this.”

They just need more discipline

One of the most dangerous autism myths is that behavioral difficulties result from inadequate discipline. Reality is that children with autism may struggle with sensory overload, communication, and emotion regulation. Meltdowns aren’t tantrums to be corrected with more severe discipline, they’re responses to an overload of stimulation.

Telling parents that their child simply requires more discipline ignores the neurological processes at stake and places blame on them unfairly. A more helpful response is, “I see how much effort you put into trying to understand and help your child. That is really commendable.”

Enabling parents of autistic children starts with compassion and insight. Words have power, and while most do want to help, there are certain things said that can really be more harm than good. The best approach is to listen, learn, and offer encouragement, not criticism. By building a more accepting and supportive society, we can create a world where autistic individuals and their families are understood, valued, and respected.