Fatherhood Truths No One Will Tell You
You wake up at 5:30 am to start on some official work before you hit the road to the office. Then your 11-month-old son rolls off onto your laptop instantly breaking the screen.
Your mind is split into two: you are seething, perhaps, boiling inside of you about the money you have to spend repairing the laptop. Then you are also concerned about your child’s well-being. If you are like me, you would want to check if the child is okay before grieving about your laptop. Your phones and iPad are additional victims of his tyranny.
Welcome to the world of fatherhood.
Seriously, the feeling you get watching your kids grow is incomparable. But, the gay feeling will always be punctuated by those moments that will make you wish for an emergency vacation. ALONE! Especially when you mistakenly step on a toy that sends you spiralling down to the floor. No, you can’t raise your hand to hit the toddler. And it becomes even a tad more annoying when the kid thinks it is funny. His or her laughter will make you mad momentarily, and in an instant, you are sitting there on your butt laughing out loud with him or her.
Then there are moments, you are lying on your stomach, in bed, on a Saturday afternoon, trying to catch some sleep before the rat race begins on Monday. Out of the blues comes a kid whose idea of a weekend fun sport is to jump on your back. He has no care about shattering your spine or you getting some beauty sleep.
It is worse if he sits on your face with a diaper full of shit. Your brain will be scarred for a week, but that’s a lot better than finding that ‘shitful’ diaper inside your backpack.
And talking about the backpack, there are times you will realise your bag contains NSFW (not in sexual terms) items only when you get to the office. Woe betide you if you ask someone to pick something from your bag. You will become the butt of the office joke.
There are times you have to sit down and ask yourself if truly you are the one paying the rent or the kid. Trust me, he understands the benefit of division of labour: he owns the house, you pay the rent. And don’t even think about fighting him for the remote when he is watching PJ Mask on Disney Junior and you want to watch a Champions League match. You’d better stream the match. There is a 90% chance that you will lose the fight. Even when you win, you will be quick to concede defeat because of deafening unending screeching.
You want him healthy always, but he wants to pick up stuff on the floor to eat. When you try to remove whatever he’s got in his mouth, your fingers will come out of his mouth looking like a victim of a train accident. And yes, he thinks that’s funny, too.
You are there thinking that you are ‘suffering’ because your kid is a boy, but when your neighbour visits you with her hyperactive daughter, you get the message. Girls can do the damage, too.
When you put all these instances into proper perspective, you will have a lot to be thankful for. The day you come back from work and the sitting room is super neat, you will become instantly agitated: is he okay? If he’s truly sick, you will pray that he receives instant healing and become strong enough to ‘wreak havoc’ in the house.