By Charles Ighele

A woman complained bitterly to me some time ago that her husband has turned to a hardhearted man. She said that anytime she made a request, he either turned it down outright or granted it roughly or unhappily. Common requests such as feeding allowance or notification to visit were unattended to or harshly turned down.

As I inquired further, I discovered that the man was not really wicked as she thought, but had grown to be highly impatient due to the pressures of life. Most times he was tensed up and was not in the mood to listen to requests made by his wife. Secondly, the woman had no idea on how to politely make request. Her tone and words were highly insensitive and her requests badly timed.

Wives that brashly make demands from their husbands are more likely to receive unfavourable responses. When making financial requests from a man who is still in the lower or middle class of the financial ladder, a wife should make requests with a tone and body language that will make the man feel that his wife appreciates his efforts to provide for the family. A request such as “there is no more rice in the house o! You better give me money now o, before you go out o!” will more likely stir up anger and resentment than a request made with words such as “honey, you are trying. Can you make some money available to buy some rice in the house?”

It is also very important for a woman to know when to make requests. When a man is tired and has just come from work, what he needs immediately is the woman’s love, care, attention and respect. Every woman should realise that God designed her to be a helper and not a tension multiplier. Knowing when to make requests, as a wife and making them lovingly and in a respectful manner are signs of maturity.

Now, let us go to the men. Many men, especially African men, find it difficult to ask their wives politely for anything. Some reason that as the head of their home, they are entitled to everything that belongs to their wife. They, therefore, live with and make requests from their wives like a boss and not like a “kind” leader.

They make their requests in an authoritative manner that compels their spouses to obey, not out of love, but because ‘oga’ has commanded. Instead of politely asking for a glass of water for example, some men may yell in the direction of the wife “give me water quickly. I am very thirsty.”

I always tell Christian men that the moment one surrenders his life to Christ, he has been translated from his culture and ethnicity into the kingdom of God where God’s principles rule supreme. The culture of the man being high in the clouds with his wife way below his feet cannot build a symbiotically healthy marital relationship.

Spouses should learn to make requests from each other in love and not as if there is a war even if there was a previous disagreement. Love you!

• Bishop Charles Ighele is the General Superintendent of Holy Spirit Mission, Lagos.