When you think your wife is controlling you

In one of my articles in this column titled, “When A Woman Queries Her Husband,” I wrote towards the end that I will go to the exclusive WhatsApp page I share with my wife and daughters nicknamed, “Charlie’s Angels” and I will advise them never to query their husbands. I did exactly that! My first daughter, Noja who is married replied: “Thank you daddy. I have learnt that firsthand.” Yet, Noja’s husband is a gentle man to the core. One that may make one wish that all your sons-in-law should be like him. In fact, he is a very good friend to my daughter and he is also one of my best friends. Yet, he will not let his sweetheart issue him queries. Another of my daughters, Folake who is not yet married posted: “Thank you daddy. Definitely taken note of this.” I am happy that all my girls are in agreement with this fact and truth. 

While I will repeatedly state the fact that it is not good for a woman to query her husband and for a man to query his wife and that correction should be done in love instead of through verbal or written queries, I will also confess that I over reacted the way I responded to my wife some years into our marriage when I felt that she queried me over a banking transaction that I handled foolishly, as I stated in last Sunday’s write up. The fact of the matter is that I was having a feeling of insecurity. One or two things had happened previously, which made me feel that my wife, Carol, was trying to control me, hence, I responded in an angry tone to her.

I have learnt over these 30 something years of marriage that there are times a man gets to have the feeling that his wife is trying to control him. At such moments, many men react in a manner that is not so pleasant to their wives. While it is true that some women have the spirit of Jezebel (a demon of unauthorised female authority and manipulation) that will want them to control and be in charge of their husbands, children and entire family affairs, many men think that their wives want to control them because they have a sense of insecurity.

Insecurity in marriage is a feeling of not feeling safe, a feeling of being exposed to injury or risk or attack. It is a feeling of being made the tail rather than the head of the marriage relationship. It is a feeling of being put down. At such a moment, the mind of the person feeling insecure is not so stable, not so firm and not sound enough. (2 Timothy 1:7). At such a period, the psychological feeling of “flee or fight” comes on the person. 

Whenever such a feeling comes and you think that your wife or husband is trying to control you, instead of reacting by withdrawing or fighting, pause and think and ask yourself the following questions:

• Does my wife love me or hate me?       

• Does she care only almost about herself and cares less or little about me?  

When a man pauses and asks himself these or additional speed brake questions, the feeling that the wife is controlling him will begin to melt away. All men that I have studied closely, including my own father and myself have exhibited this feeling of insecurity. That was why the Nigerian president could say of his wife, Aisha that, “She belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” Ha, ha, ha. Love you!