A spouse’s rightful place!
Her message (to me) reads: “I am really having issues in my marriage over my husband’s attitude (of late) towards my mum. I have been overseas for some essential professional training and as a result, my mum (who is a retired civil servant) helps keep an eye on my household by dividing her time between my family base and her own home. I have three little girls.
Last summer, my husband and the kids came here to spend the holidays with me as and our domestic help (a teenager) went to stay with my parents.
About two months of the girl’s stay with my mum…my mum alerted me that she suspects the girl is pregnant.
A medical test also confirmed our suspicion and so, my mum promptly bundled the girl back to her people.
When parents interrogated her, she claimed it was a man, who frequented the neighborhood (for repair jobs) is responsible. She also claimed that she doesn’t know where he lives.
The girl had been with my family for about 4 years and I train her in school. When my mum decided to send the girl packing, it was with the agreement (between us) that my husband is spared the real details of the circumstances.
So, we simply told him that the girl said she wanted to go back home.
Now, I don’t know how my husband got to find out the real reason the girl left was that she was pregnant.
And he has since been raising hell.
He declared my mum a persona non grata in our house.
I am really wondering if there is more to my husband’s anger over the (pregnant) girl’s dismissal, please, I desire to know your views on the matter.”
Much as I appreciate your mum’s efforts in stabilising your home, it’s equally important to understand that the decision over the domestic assistant SHOULD HAVE been one between you and your husband. I mean, legally, she is under HIS watch and also his responsibility.
Morally, she’s like his child. Your mum should only go with the decision you reached with your husband.
Every married person should be MINDFUL of giving a spouse his/her rightful place in marriage. And that’s what the action between you and your mum has denied your husband.
You should not be making any insinuations, really.
You SHOULD be apologising to him. When he is himself again, his relationship with your mum will also fall into place. Please, do the most important thing first.
It’s equally important that we realise that a spouse’s relationship with an in-law may never be the same again the moment they begin to see elements of “hand of Esau-voice of Jacob” in their marital affairs.
In marriage, a lot of settings will test your TRUST in a spouse. But always bear in mind that HOW IT SEEMS is not HOW IT IS. A POSSIBILITY IS NOT A REALITY, especially when a spouse has not given you reasons to raise eyebrows towards their person.
Certain distrust to an honest fellow is like murder. It’s not always about instincts, but the insecurity of the mind.
The mind also plays a fast one on us. And the wise hesitates with the accusations, assumptions and conclusions.
If you suspect a spouse of every awkward circumstance, it means you don’t even know who you are married to. Otherwise, to a reasonable extent, one should be able to tell a spouse’s weak point.
Then again, when couples are more absent than present (because of distance) in a marriage, a lot of room is given to wandering of the mind.
Just bear in mind that being far away from him and the kids, his choosing NOT to think less honourable of you does not mean that he cannot afford to feed his mind junk about you.
You only need to miss an average man’s calls a couple of times for his mind to start running riots about WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Frankly, as we protect our territory, let us also give others the grace of not letting our (insecure?) minds rub their integrity in the mud.
As for the appropriateness of how the girl was dismissed, I want to believe that’s not why we are here.
Besides, the deed is already done. But it is never too late to reach out with support. I mean, we do that for persons (out there) that we have no business with. How much more one who was a part of your family?
So, however, your husband chooses to express his hurt, recognise that he is in the right here. And be patient enough for him to come around.
I only pray that he does not let the sun go down on his anger. The devil doesn’t live far… if we create the leeway!