A lady wrote me recently on her challenges of accepting a reality that her young daughter’s decision foisted on her.I think some things, no matter how much of a bitter pill, are just life’s way of introducing the ADULT phase into a setting.
Read her first:
“My eldest daughter is 23 years old and a final year student in the University. I had a protracted illness and couldn’t visit my daughter for over a year, but as soon as I became a bit better, I visited…unannounced.“I didn’t see her in school but her friends took me to her residential quarters. When I entered my daughter’s room, I got the greatest shock of my life and suffered a stroke as a result.
My daughter was breastfeeding a baby!
“She became pregnant, was delivered of a baby and never breathed a word to us. She claims she was scared and that’s the reason she kept us in the dark.“The issue right now is that I do not know how to handle the situation from this point. A part of me actually doesn’t want to accept that responsibility of shielding her from the consequences of her choices.“Please, your advice will be highly appreciated. My emotion is muddled up, right now. I also don’t know if I am still living in denial. I am just 48 and this girl went to turn me into a grandmother without warning.“What hurts is that my daughter and I speak on the phone almost on a daily basis, yet she kept this issue from me.’’
There’s some DYSFUNCTION in this setting!
It didn’t seem like enough measures were put in place …to “shepherd” the girl more. She may be an adult at 23 but she isn’t above your watch, yet. Not when you are still catering for her welfare.
It’s almost like she was left to do as she likes out there. If you were indisposed to visit her in school for over a year, couldn’t her dad do the visiting? Why wasn’t she instructed to come home at the end of every semester like most students do?The unannounced visit is a commendable step. It just seems like she didn’t have enough checks and balances put in place by you…the parents.Don’t get me wrong please. You could do all that and still end up with a wayward child in your hand but I prefer that parents do theirs first.
It seems you and your hubby are the “very busy” types…that it didn’t matter that your young daughter wasn’t coming home at the end of every school semester, at least?
Were you just sending her money and that’s it? Now that the deed is done, nothing is actually a mistake if the Almighty would reveal the end from every beginning to us. Just that it hurts when a life path is derailed.I support your decision to let her take responsibility for her choices…that’s ADULT 101.She got into this mess firstly because she seemed to have so much time in her hands. Giving her a quick soft landing (without making her TASTE her reality properly) might even earn you another grandchild so soon.
If she could manage the rigours of pregnancy all alone -even as a final year student, my sister, your daughter is VERY capable of a lot more than you give her credit for.We (parents) are the ones who sometimes refuse to accept the fact that these kids are no longer babies. Give her all the support she needs but let her live with the consequences of her decision. You have your health to worry about for now. You can always step in with “more support” along the way.
Even if the guy that put her in the family way is ready for marriage, you don’t have to allow it…if he is not suitable for her.It’s bad enough that her path is derailed but a bad marriage will complicate things in the long run and you all will be back to square one.When young people derail, forcing them into a marriage to SAVE FACE isn’t always the best. And parents need to stop it! Let her walk through her reality. Pray she emerges stronger and wiser from it all. This is the kind of “mistake” that awakens a girl for good.Gracefully let the rest of the story unfold as you take it all in your stride. Try not to let anger colour the rest of the story, please!
She is still your baby!
Maybe running into the arms of some boy was her way of dealing with your health crisis. When their emotional well-being is threatened, some people embrace the unthinkable as a coping mechanism.You both may need counselling as part of the healing process.
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