Avoiding toxic relationships

Sometimes we leave relationships for a lot of different reasons. Perhaps we’ve discovered things about ourselves and the new us does not fit nicely with the person we are dating. It happens all the time.

It could be that we’ve been cheated on. It could be that there are glaring differences between us and the person we are with, differences that were not obvious when we were in the initial whirlwind. I do not believe that all relationships are salvageable, for instance those relationships where there has been cheating or abuse. These are showstoppers to me.

A lot of my peers disagree with my notion that relationships where there is cheating or abuse are unsalvageable and that is okay. We are not going to agree on everything and they are respectful in their push back.

Despite these differences however, there are a couple of things we do agree on though.
* Cheating and abuse are terrible occurrences but they are not indicative of a toxic relationship.
* Toxic relationships are not, in fact, salvageable.

The question is, what makes a relationship toxic as opposed to unhealthy? It could be any number of things (cheating, poor communication, poor conflict management styles) can make a relationship unhealthy and while all toxic relationships are unhealthy, not all unhealthy relationships are toxic. You dig?

These are the signs of a toxic relationship but first, allow me to make a quick distinction. A toxic partner does not make a toxic relationship. Two toxic partners make a toxic relationship. Understood?
Now lets get to the signs to watch out for…

• Each partner feels the need to ‘one up’ or ‘out do’ the other.
In a relationship, there will be disagreements and annoyances but each person will seek to understand their partner’s perspectives and put forth real effort to find common ground, resolution. In an unhealthy relationship, the disagreements and annoyances are more frequent and the tension heightened but each partner is afraid to lose the other person and thus they find a way to make it work. In a toxic relationship however, it is each person for themselves. Egos get in the way, and the need to win each battle makes for a very long war that none of them end up winning. And while unhealthy relationships are not always salvageable, the sincerity of effort is commendable. Toxic relationships do not have this.

• Each partner can go from hot to cold in a matter of minutes
Toxic couples fight a lot but they also love a lot. This is not a good thing, especially since this rainbow-to-thunderstorm change can occur multiple times a week, sometimes a day. What’s more, everyone around them recognizes the toxicity and wonders how they manage to stay together.

• Each partner recognizes the negative environment created by the combination of their individual thoughts, expressions and actions but decides it is manageable.

Simply put, toxic partners feed off of each other and believe that the only person in the world that can tolerate the ups and downs, the egos and the fighting is the other person. There is rarely, if ever, a moment where either partner has a sit down with themselves and their partner to truly address the obvious and seemingly permanent tension around them.

• Each partner is addicted to or openly enables their partner’s addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling or other dangerous habits.
This is a no-brainer right? Anytime we put ourselves in a position that reduces or eliminates our ability to be fully functional co-habitants of a relationship, things will go and stay South. ‘We’ is the key here. If one partner in the relationship has ongoing addiction issues and the other partner is trying to help them, the addict is a toxic partner; even if only temporarily until the addiction is resolved. But when both have addiction issues or one is openly enabling the other, we have a toxic relationship that will keep feeding negative energy, actions, words and consequences.

• Either partner has ‘it is what it is’ or ‘as good as it gets’ syndrome and thus does not address known relationship issues.
Yes, for this sign, I go with ‘either’ instead of ‘each’. That’s because in any relationship, there will be disagreements and annoyances but when one or both partners have decided to phone in any real attempt at addressing, understanding, compromising, or reconciling, there is zero chance that things will improve. And, as we all know, a poor situation left unresolved will eventually go bankrupt. In some cases, the right thing to do is walk away from the relationship and yet there are those who stay regardless. They are enabling the toxic partner until eventually they themselves become toxic and voila, the relationship is toxic.

So, what kind of relationship are you in?
I hope you learnt a thing or two about toxic people and toxic relationships and how to avoid them. Understanding your partner is the first step to a successful relationship. Make the right choice today and avoid getting hurt.
To our happiness. Cheers.