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Caring and generous?

By Chukwuneta Oby
01 December 2018   |   3:12 am
She wrote: “I met a divorcee on the social media. We have been communicating. He didn’t hide any issues about his failed marriage. But what I find a bit abnormal are some of the things he says.

She wrote: “I met a divorcee on the social media. We have been communicating. He didn’t hide any issues about his failed marriage. But what I find a bit abnormal are some of the things he says. For example, on more than two occasions, he requested to see my fingernails when we did video calls. I showed him.

“A few weeks later, he made a similar request. I don’t know if he has forgotten that he has made the request before. I still showed him before asking why that matters to him. Also, when we started communicating, he wasted no time seeking to hear my voice over the phone, claiming that a lady’s voice tells him about her personality. And that it’s from a lady’s voice that he first decides if or not he likes her.

I thought nothing of that until the issue of the fingernails came up again. I wouldn’t know if I was dealing with a highly superstitious individual.

“When we talk intimate, he would emphasize so much on how he can’t stand smelly p*ssy. It pisses me off when he talks like that, as I can’t imagine any woman parading a smelly thing in this day and age. The good thing about him though is that he is very caring and generous. I am 43; I have a teenage daughter.
Please advise.’’

Once most of us here perceive a man to be CARING AND GENEROUS (i.e QUICK with cash)…we choose to close our eyes to (obvious) red flags. Sometimes, I am tempted to ask, “are we ladies that “affection starved” that we just have to accommodate whoever comes into our space-before realising that it will not work? This guy seems “somehow” to me.

I don’t like people who are quick with their “rules and wants” in a budding relationship. It’s always about them and marriage doesn’t change much in them. People who wear their expectations on their sleeves don’t know how to make selfless efforts towards others. They are too busy EXPECTING from others what they often can’t give. I don’t think this guy that’s quick to tell you the kind of fingernails he likes even knows your daughter’s name.

It’s amazing the much we subject ourselves to…in the quest for love. It is OK if he caught a glimpse of your nails during a video chat and just admires it, but asking to see your fingernails over and over again is weird. No matter the kind of baggage you think you have…there are things that a grown woman should NEVER subject herself to.

A mature man isn’t fast to let out his expectations. He waits patiently to see the rest of you for himself but, in the meantime, he focuses on knowing you better and nurturing friendship.I don’t trust people who come into a relationship with what I call VICTIM MENTALITY! They don’t just stop whining about an ex that did all shades of evil to them. But the more you relate with them… you will come to the realisation that it’s actually their EX that ‘tried’.

Such people are highly entitled. And they carry on as if it is your sole duty to make the relationship work…in order to prove that you are NOT just like their ex. Even an innocent mistake from you will be compared to “how it was with the ex.” Go into a relationship with someone who is eagerly looking at your face, too. So what if you are 43 and a single mum?If the bulk of what you guys discuss revolves around his sexual fantasies, his checking out your features and his experiences with his ex…

It is not a good sign!
The essence of communication should benefit both parties. Does he give chance for you guys to discuss YOU too? Experience has taught me that ladies in your shoes unknowingly let themselves morph into whatever persona they feel makes such men comfortable. But you must know that he is not really marrying you, he is marrying a version of the woman he has created in you. And the very day you revert (even unconsciously) to YOU…problem will start.

The thing about people who go into relationships with certain emotional baggage is that the relationship holds more of their damage (fears, ugly experiences, insecurity, etc) than their hearts.And it’s an emotionally exasperating affair…trust me.

Stop letting the “caring and generous” narratives about men blind you from looking (well!) before leaping.A man who desires “more” with you has no choice than to be all that and MORE with you…anyway.There is no age in a woman’s life that is averse to HAPPINESS-with or without the ring.If you understand this… you will be more deliberate with your relationship choices.