Co-parenting: How to speak in one voice

As i was discussing an article with my then Editor, he asked me, “is childcare not a woman’s job?”

I was narrating an incident and had told him how it was that the child’s mother was the one who was summoned to the scene and not both parents.

With the outburst, I did not see it necessary to continue the topic, his reaction made me to understand that he believed like many men that his job was outside the home and, if the mother of his children wanted to work outside the home, she should be held responsible if anything contrary happens to their children.

What led to this was the story of a child who was knocked down by a commercial motorcycle. He was in the company of other children when the rider who was driving against the traffic hit him.

“Why is it always the mother that is called at times like this? I had wondered aloud. The answer that I expected was that, “a mother appears to handle situations like that better.”

I had wanted a simple admission from him; that although he could not explain it, young children are many times closer to their mothers than their fathers.

I thought he would say that in a state of fear, for example, that a child who woke up after a terrible dream would call for the mother first and also that a child would recite her mother’s phone number because it is clear in her memory.

She knows daddy’s phone number as much as she knows mummy’s own, but she is aware that he is very busy and should not be disturbed or having him rushing to her in an emergency, not when mummy is there, somewhere.

Although I saw empathy for the child in my Editor’s pained look but I thought that with him as with some other men, how to plan the upbringing with their better halves might sometimes be a challenge, especially when the children have grown to the stage beyond infancy but are not teenagers yet. It could be a challenge but not in the sense that their financial or even emotional needs are not met. Daddy provides school fees and any other monies happily, but in issues of discipline for example, he may look the other way or have different opinion about how to bring unruly children to order.

A friend observed, parenting is not particularly smooth sailing when children are older than five years old and when you have up to four of them to bring up; “You may shout yourself and they will never hear you.”

Another adds that it is at this stage that some fathers gladly embrace their jobs fully, leaving the woman to sort it out.

Admittedly childcare is a woman’s role. But it needs the father’s contribution.

Even for a mother whose full-time occupation is in the home, it would not be easy to deal with active children who have in mind what they want to do. So what mother and father need is one voice; it is not one parent saying one thing and the other saying a different thing, especially not to the children’s hearing. Once your children know that Daddy does not approve of mummy’s disciplinary measures, chaos would rule.

However, with a little planning co-parenting could be managed without leading to arguments or the job being left to one person because she gave birth to them.

With due consideration, it could be said that a mother can cope well with a toddler, but when they are older, parents may need to consider adopting these styles. When you have them in view, all other hurdles may look like a piece of cake to you.

Family Time
Make weekends a relaxing time for the whole family. It is common to leave all housework to be done on weekends; you leave home early to go to work and may stay the whole evening on the Third Mainland Bridge, only managing to change clothes, cook, eat and go to bed exhausted.

Saturdays and Sundays are, therefore, welcome relief for everybody. But weekends are rarely what we expect them to be because of the obligations that come with them. There are weddings and other engagements from relatives or friends; they come with their stress were truth to be told, because you have to go because they were at your wedding some years back; he is your cousin, so you must go even when you don’t feel up to it.

So they are not always the relaxation a family needs. Besides, for families with growing children, Saturdays especially are washing and doing major cleaning at home. So plan to do all the work in the morning and spend time with the children in the evening. Go out together; it makes the children listen to what you say. If your children enjoy the time they spend with you, they will try to do what is asked of them. Plan simple outings like a ride around the neighbourhood is okay; give them simple treats like ice cream.

Agree On Discipline
Give a child a task; we take it for granted that a child would do anything without some resistance, but I think many do certain things because they want to or that they expect some benefits for their efforts.
I visited a woman recently, a woman who I thought took her children’s cooperation for granted. Within 10 minutes, her youngest child had put on the generating set, went upstairs to fetch her purse and ran other errands. When she sent him to do something again, the boy argued with her; “But how could you know that? You have not left here at all”, the mother asked him.
He stared at her forehead in reply.

“He is tired,” my friend concluded and did not pursue the matter.

It is also difficult to make some children do the daily tasks given to them. But I think that they do this to their mother because she may end up doing the work herself.

However, as one child confessed, they obeyed their father’s demand without resistance because he does not make them work too much.

And for the father, if you think that their mother is asking too much of the children, say it. If you think that they deserve to be paid, reward them occasionally, but don’t promise to pay if you cannot keep it up.

Set a standard for discipline and agree on them; tell them that they could miss seeing their favourite television programme if they misbehave.

Do not give in to their demands if they would not listen to you. Encourage each other with the knowledge that your parenting has a foundation that will not crumble as the children grow.