Connection over communication
Mode of Communication has always been an issue in any kind of relationship. Especially in a loving relationship, the number one reason why a lot of marriages and relationships don’t work is lack of communication. But at the same time, there is always an underlying issue before the whole miscommunication thing happens. A marriage isn’t struggling because you can’t communicate with your partner, it’s struggling because you and your partner don’t feel connected with each other. Right?
Working on communication issues is an ongoing distraction that keeps people from addressing the real core issues that exist in any unhappy relationship.
In my opinion, it’s not the communication that is the cause of conflicts; it’s the lack of connection.
People often spend years in couples counseling learning how to communicate with each other:
*They learn how to clarify what they think they heard from their partner.
*The learn how to choose their words more carefully.
*They learn how to talk about their feelings.
*They learn how to play back what they think they just heard from their partner.
While it might be helpful to a certain degree, it’s a waste of time if you want to transform your relationship or marriage. It will never solve the number1 cause of divorce, which is lack of connection and intimacy.
Today, a lot of women initiate over 80% of divorce and it’s primarily because they have lost the deep connection with their partners.
You cannot work on communication and repair a lack of connection. You cannot restore trust and passion by talking about it. Behaviors need to change, not simply words. Get it?
I met a couple some years back. They actually just came out counseling at the time. They had serious issues in their marriage. After the counseling, they could talk to each other kindly, there were never any argument. But if you see them now, 3 years later, feeling totally disconnected in an empty marriage. There was no passion, no intimacy, they had lost their attraction for each other, but they could talk.
If I must say, it obviously wasn’t enough.
Now think back to the beginning of your relationship when the passion was high. How was the chemistry and connection between you? Were there lots of communication conflicts? Normally there are very few communication issues when you are head over heels in love, and totally attracted to your partner. Unfortunately people do things over time unknowingly that begins to erode the connection and then communication conflicts increase.
If you love your partner, but are no longer in love with them, that’s not a communication issue, that is a loss of deep connection and you will not get it back by working on improving your couple communication skills. The cost of lack of connection is high, it appears as; increased conflicts, fading intimacy, affairs, empty marriages, loneliness, and potentially divorce.
It makes it easy for couples to separate because they are already feeling separate. And until you restore the feelings of connection, very little will improve in the relationship.
If you want to improve your marriage quickly, simply focus on reconnecting with your partner. Stop trying to fix the relationship, and do only what improves and increases your connection with them. And don’t wait for your partner to participate. Be the person you were that initially that attracted your partner and made them fall in love with you. Always remember that YOU. Today, you could initiate the improvement of your relationship all by yourself. Are you going to?
To the relationship we all deserve…to our happiness. Cheers.
No comments yet