Dealing with heartbreak

A sister-in-law of mine came to drop off the AsoEbi for her wedding coming up in a few days. I had to seize the opportunity to share some marriage tips with her; more like telling her how I have been coping with her own brother! While having our woman to woman, heart-to-heart tete a tete, I told her marriage is a bale of “okirika” you would never know what is in there until you open it! I told her the key and charm really is submission. It makes the institution ( the one you would never graduate from) a lot easier to study in. I bet she would just think to herself…” this Aunty and her old-school ideologies self!” Then she mentioned a friend of theirs whose fiancé was going to ditch a few weeks before the wedding. His friends convinced him to go ahead and he did only to divorce her two months later! So I ask myself, why do guys do this?

We all have been there at some point in our lives, I suppose. I have had my own fair share of heartbreaks and so have I also broken a heart or two! Yes, too many hearts have been played, stabbed, cheated, burned and broken but thankfully, they still work, and this is because these hearts have left their primary place of assignment; TO PUMP BLOOD!

But seriously, as much as we all hate heartbreaks, we all have been guilty. We sometimes find ourselves toying with other people’s emotions and breaking their hearts like their feelings are like the inconsequential dot on the “I”. Men may suffer some degree of heartbreak but a girl’s heartbreak is a catastrophic event that transpires inevitably and with uncontrollable catharsis. Men, in particular, do not give a thought to the dire consequences of breaking a lady’s heart. Like NIKE…they just do it! They do not seem to appreciate the gravity and implication of this. And this is without any chauvinistic inclinations because research shows more women suffer heartbreak than men. So it is not of my design and making that they are the NIKE here. There is really no need pointing out the whys because that would be longer than the content of the Dead Sea Scrolls so I would just talk about how we can cope when it happens.

Don’t fight your feelings – You are going to be devastated when you encounter heartbreak. It’s unavoidable! You don’t need to pretend you’re fine when you’re really not. Accept that you’re going to be going through some emotional turbulence for a bit. There’s nothing wrong with crying, there’s nothing wrong with being sad but not for too long otherwise you are only having a pity party. Your life was blissful and joyous before he was in it; it will be just as blissful and joyous after he leaves. Kindly ensure that! There is a reason for everything. Nothing will be taken from you without the existing intention to replace it with something much better. No relationship is a waste of time. If something didn’t bring you what you wanted, at least, it taught you something you don’t want in a relationship. Always remember this and it will help you let go and move on as fast as possible.

Consider It Their Loss – You are likely to focus on what you’re missing but the one who walked away also misses out on something. You! That’s their mistake. When another person makes it clear they don’t want to be with you how else can you feel other than rejected? But this doesn’t mean it’s your loss. That’s looking at the wrong side of the kiss. Don’t focus on how you don’t get to know the softness of their lips. Remember they also miss out on the fullness of yours. Feel bad for them and consider it their loss.

If you can see it that way, you keep your value and maintain your confidence. Just because they don’t want you doesn’t mean you’re unworthy or unlovable.

Be Positive – Just because you’ve been “left” by someone, does not mean that you are disposable, rejectable, not-attachment-worthy, or “not good enough.” Don’t be caught in the act of self-loathing – feeling you’re not loveable enough. You’re not. You’re just unlucky! The problem is not you or the intensity of your love but the quality of people you are loving. You simply cannot convince a monkey that honey is sweeter than Banana! No matter how great of a woman you are to a man, you will never be good enough if he doesn’t want you. So, don’t punish yourself because you put your heart out there and someone else said, “No thanks.” Be proud you were willing to love. There are millions out there who would give anything to be loved by you and you will never find the right one if you don’t let go of the wrong one! Some good things have to come to an end so better things can fall into place.

Distract Yourself – If you’re having trouble, forgetting about the one you lost, diving into another relationship may not be the best antidote but this seem the popular seemingly appealing formula. The best thing to do is distract yourself. Visit people who do care about you. Spend time with folks who bring you joy. Take up a new hobby. Find a new passion. Try something you’ve always been curious about but are yet to ever do. If you have the time and money, travel. Distract yourself with positivity and laughter. Most importantly log on to www.iaspireblog.com anytime the blues come visiting and like truth, it will set you free!

Stay Away – If you’re constantly trying to stay in communication with your ex you’re not going to be able to move on, which will make your feelings of heartbreak and unhappiness much harder to bear. Getting your mind off your ex is important and going out of your way to get constant updates on who he is with or talking to isn’t going to help you either. Therefore no stalking on Facebook or Instagram, no texting, no phone calls. Block your ex on social media; not out of hate or vendetta but so that you won’t be tempted to spend hours pouring over their Facebook page and over-analyzing every single thing they post in an attempt to figure out if they regret not being with you if they are missing you or dissing you! When they willingly choose to become “EX” let them remain an EX – A good example of an experience that has expired and should exit your life!

Seek help – Sometimes you can’t get over something on your own and you need to seek professional assistance. There is nothing wrong with this or with you and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. Heartbreak is painful and it stirs up a whole bubbling cauldron of feelings and emotions that can be difficult to deal with. It will help you feel better if you talk to someone about what you are going through. Talk to a parent, a best friend, a therapist, or anyone who you feel like you can trust. Putting your thoughts and feelings out there–rather than bottling them up–will make you feel better. Remember, the person you talk to must be one you trust to have some excellent advice and experience, as most people experience heartbreak at least once in their lives.

Hang around people who love you – Spend time with your family or your best friends. While it is natural to want to be alone for days on end after a break-up, you should spend time with people who love you. Not only will they make you feel loved, they will also distract you from the pain you’re feeling. Sometimes all we really need to heal is someone to wrap us in a big hug and say “everything is going to be okay.”

If after all of this you still do not feel better, you probably need some perspective. Take a trip down to any Emergency/trauma Unit or Burn center of any nearby hospital; trust me you would be grateful you are dealing with heartbreak and not heart attack!
Mercy Makinde is a speaker, writer, coach and entrepreneurship advocate