Dear Nigerian feminist, the truth is…

I am a feminist. I believe in equal social, economic and political rights for women and I am Nigerian.
In the Nigerian context of predominant cultural, religious and even legally enforced male domination, it is not strange to find yourself defending your stance on feminism to your older aunt, father, religious leader or even your best friend of twenty something years. Yes, this is because Nigeria predominantly sexist system and over time subconscious cues have been ingrained regarding gender (in)equality and most have unknowingly accepted this imbalance as the norm and will continuously defend it.

Personally, I think the term “feminism” can be misleading, as it can simplistically be assumed that it means women want to dominate men. It’s strange, especially as it only takes a dictionary to show that isn’t what feminism means. It is not uncommon to find strong hesitation by most conservative and orthodox leaning persons strongly against the term “feminism” and consequently what it represents just because of what the term may imply (women domination) and not what it actually means (gender equality)

When I say feminism, I mean equal rights for women. I mean a woman has the right to equal social, economic and political rights as you would give a man. I believe no sex should have undue privilege over the other by law, or social norms. I believe that no sex should oppress the other or be “more important” than the other or see the other as less. I believe that women are made for much more than marriage. I imagine all the opportunities I would have missed out on when I look through my life if i were raised by a father who didn’t know better (thank you daddy!) or in an environment that believed I was less just because I am a woman, and enforced this through social norms and even law.

I imagine if I wasn’t allowed education, or i was systemically restricted in participation in politics or any leadership position because it is not my place and I am meant for marriage. Imagine if over time i didn’t even think it was a possibility because it just was the norm for women to be seen as less. Imagine I wasn’t allowed to go to university because I was a woman and will get married anyway; I would have been denied the joy of self-fulfillment and I would’ve also denied the world the joy of the value I would have added.

This happens to millions of women in Nigeria and will likely happen to millions more — given the current trend.
In my walk as a Nigerian Feminist, I have come to the realization that I have been a bit idealistic in my approach to promoting and educating on feminism especially in the context of our African culture. Nigeria is still largely a male dominated society and there are some harsh realities that need to be considered to arm every feminist in the bid to effectively promote any real and lasting change to the equality imbalance.

Our fathers, brothers, or husbands probably don’t believe in feminism
The African culture, expression of religion and some aspects of its legal system is sexist by design. Our fathers, brothers and husbands have lived in this system generation after generation and have enjoyed the undue privilege they received without real consideration to the harm on women. It is no surprise that most Nigerian men see gender equality as unnatural. Sexism in Nigeria ranges from the popular full-fledged male entitlement to semi-liberal and s superiority with subtle hints that say to a woman “you are less than a man”.

When our fathers mention that “you’re a woman, what are you looking for with a master’s degree?” or your uncle says “With all your education, you will still end up in the kitchen”, this is an example of when gender inequality rears its ugly head and the woman’s self-identity is belittled and reduced. When your seemingly progressive liberal uncle mentions in conversation that “it is our culture” to a clear patriarchal position, it is our responsibility to identify it and refuse to accept it. As a woman, you deserve to be an individual, strong and self-aware as a woman.

To change the narrative, it is important to understand the context of the factors that shape the life views of our fathers, brothers and uncles. To communicate the harmful implication of such thinking, we must understand that from a position of privilege it is usually hard to see how it benefits you at the expense of others- and this is what is happening to most of our men. We must clearly articulate the negative impact their thinking about feminism has on you as a woman. We must make it personal to them.

Do not expect to change their thinking overnight, but be consistent, so consistent in your messaging that it is hard for them to ignore the personal responsibility that comes from knowing better. Educate them on the responsibility they have to ensure they do not tolerate this convenient imbalance. Continuously underscore their responsibility to promote feminism in your interest as a woman and also for posterity sake; the millions of girl children unborn.

You have subconscious traits that promote gender inequality, and you probably don’t know it (yet)
Watch yourself closely, there’s a lot we have subconsciously learnt that is harmful to the movement we continuously preach. It is not uncommon to find women displaying misogyny

As a father, brother and husband sometimes you will realize that although you believe in feminism, there is still a lot to un(learn) from all you’ve subconsciously learnt from your family (watching your father and mother relate) and society at large (watching the social norms and legal undertones). You will occasionally catch yourself acting in polar opposite of feminism; what you promote. Remember, it will be inconvenient for most men to think otherwise because sexism gives a man power and superiority over a woman. As a man, you must rescind that imbalance to create equality. This culture change is especially necessary in Nigeria. We define culture, not the other way round. It is our responsibility to weed out aspects of our culture which is harmful to us and grow that which is stunted.

When you find yourself expecting “submission” from a wife at the expense of her individuality, or you tell the girl child she should be something less “manly” like a nurse instead of a software developer or a mechanic. When you catch yourself doing this, gender equality is being suffocated. It is your responsibility to unlearn, each instance at a time in the interest of your loved ones and daughters unborn. It can be tough but it is possible.

Even women may not know any better — it is our duty to show them with love
You will find women who don’t believe in feminism. Yes, they don’t believe in equal rights, they don’t believe they deserve to have equal social, legal and educational rights. There’s even a Facebook group. You will find others who simply misunderstand the definition of feminism. You will have to teach them because most times they don’t know better and it is hard to loosen the tight knots of dogma. Does this sound familiar? That older aunt, or your grandma or your mother in law or even your friend. Occasionally, I’ve heard women say “No! I’m not a feminist, I believe the woman’s place is below the man” Yes, it is your responsibility to teach them not with just facts, but with emotional intelligence, understanding the origin and strength of their bias and leading them into new understanding, listening and empowering them by opening their eyes to all they have missed just by thinking they were less and all they can achieve by realizing they are much more than our society defines women to be.You will find that even after this, some still do not believe in feminism/gender equality/equal rights, and we must respect the right to their beliefs.

Sometimes, it is better to postpone the feminism conversation
I had to learn this the hard way that there are times people are too clouded by emotions or the timing is just not right. Male domination is embedded strongly in our culture and the dogma has thick roots. I have learnt that there are times it is better to postpone the feminism conversation till when it will be most impactful. I will have the conversation, just not now. This doesn’t mean delaying the conversation indefinitely.It means understanding that sometimes, it is important to retreat and prepare a better strategy for enlightenment.

Small acts become big acts in time
After all you’ve done you will still find a wife who believes her life is best defined by her husband because of religious, traditional and even legal reasons. You will still find an 8 year old girl who believes marriage is all she can aspire to — even though is amazing at math. You will come across a man who tells you on the road “I have a wife like you at home”. You will get to work and find your male colleague will earn twice what you earn, and you’ll one day stumble on the internet to find that it is legal in Nigeria for a young girl child to be legally married to a man who will eventually control her and that social norms allow a husband control what happens to the wife.

It’s okay, don’t be heavy hearted, know that all your acts will pay off exponentially in time, and there is progress, each time you see a woman on the board of directors, or a female presidential candidate or the number of women in the house of reps increasing. Take joy in those moments and soldier on.

It is not a competition, it is not a war of the sexes
Finally, as a feminist it is easy to come off as a fighter for the rights of women over men. I’ve seen feminism dragged into conversations that belittle its message. (e.g., to wear or not wear a bra etc.). We must be careful not to damage the credibility of our arguments by ineffective communication. The aim is not to fight the men. The aim is to establish equal rights for women. That has to be the core of the conversation to avoid distractions and misinterpretations that dilute the potency of our message and the impact on actual change.
Maria Keshinro is a Management Consultant and Customer Experience Professional. She believes in equal rights for women and the empowerment of the girl child.