Fixing your relationship when it’s about to fail
Most people I know have gone through a string of failed relationship and it has left them wondering “what the hell am I doing wrong”, why is it not working and other millions of questions we ask during these periods in our lives. It is pretty normal to have gone through that at some point in your life. It is not a bad thing at all. Infact being in as many relationships as possible teaches you a lot. It teaches you what you failed to do or learn in the previous relationship and makes you better in the next relationship. They say experience is the best teacher. Today I am going to talk to you about the reasons your relationship fail and how to fix them.
This pattern is a familiar one. At first, things are great. Your new beloved looks like they might be the fantasy relationship that you have been searching for. After a little while, doubts start to creep in, until they grow too big to ignore. Then, in the final death knell moment, you dump them for greener pastures and venture into the great dating unknown to find… nothing great. Regrets abound. The “I-never-do-anything-right” demon makes a visit and you might try in vain to get your ex back, but to no avail. Or, you might move on to a new relationship to find that it is shiny and great… until.
We humans are creative beasts. We are able to change situations completely with our minds. This power is both heaven and hell; it simply depends upon how it is used. If you are prone to self -sabotage like I used to be, it is a downright destructive force. If you are not quite sure what is ailing you when it comes to failed after failed relationships, see if you have any of these destructive mindsets.
It is not rosy anymore.
My personal brand of relationship self -sabotage looked a lot like this one. It was like once the initial feeling of roller coaster courtship excitement wore off, I was left with a lingering feeling of “this might not be right since I am not enthralled and excited, every single moment.” Now if this is you, consider whether you might be addicted to dating drama and unable to accept it if things are just run of the mill “good.”
The Grass Must Be Greener
It is easy to compare your day to day boring interactions with someone else’s perfect instagram life, or how your best friend seems to always date people who would crawl over broken glass to make them happy. This can cause you to start to think “I could do better” in relationship to your mate. Whether you could or you could not do better, the idea that you are somehow missing out can burrow into your brain and run amok.
Then there is the “I’m Not Worthy” remark
“Hello fractured self-confidence. I see you have chosen to rear your ugly head today and wreak havoc here. Welcome to the party!” This brand of self-sabotage is what people are really talking about when they go on about loving yourself first before you can love anyone else. It is not that you have to be texting yourself love notes all day long, it is that a crappy self-image can help you tank everything good in your life faster than virtually anything else. Believing that you do not deserve someone who treats you well will repel just that and cause you to hit the kill switch on something that could be great if you would just stop messing with it.
I Didn’t Realize You’re Not Perfect…Until Right Now
After enough days of watching your partner start behaving weird, it is easy to start thinking of your lover not as the mythical being that they were in the beginning of your relationship, but more like a real-life human with flaws and quirks. Having your beloved step down from their pedestal can be a jarring experience that can make you question your attraction to them. The fact is, we are all flawed. We are all a work in progress. Nobody is perfect except God.
This Isn’t like I Expected
Comparisons, normal day-to-day interactions can lead to a growing sense that the life you expected to have after you fell in love does not quite exist in the way you expected it to.
You are Cool, But Most Of Your Kind Is Not
This destructive way of thinking can be applied to any potential suspicions you might have about the motives of the opposite sex. It is incredibly difficult to have a good relationship with someone who you deep down do not trust because they are “one of them.” “Them” being a member of the opposite sex who you are not sure about or usually dislike. Unless you are trying to date one of them.
You can stop self-sabotaging yourself by…
Managing your expectations.
When you think to yourself that “this is not like I expected” or “that is not how they are supposed to act,” consider where you got your expectation and whether or not it is realistic. For example, expecting that someone will treat you respectfully and kindly is non-negotiable. Expecting that they will contact you every day on a certain set schedule that they are not even aware of, is not. Thinking that every day of your relationship will be like a fairy tale, is not realistic either.
Give yourself reality checks.
If you are feeling dissatisfaction or disappointment about your relationship, run your underlying belief past an insightful, honest friend. Do not be afraid to ask the people in your life who have good relationships what things are really like behind closed doors. Hearing “we have awesome days and not awesome days,” is very real and can help you from letting your own expectations run amok.
Push back from social media.
Ever notice that you feel crappy after logging onto Facebook or instagram or twitter? Especially seeing pictures of loving couples and all. A recent study I read somewhere said that the use of social networking sites like Facebook was correlated with increasing divorce rates. This finding is just another good reason (among many) to log off of social media and start living your life in person.
Keep your hobbies, friends and interests.
Happiness is an inside job. I always say that. If you are expecting your partner to magically fulfill your every desire and be “your whole world,” one of these days they are going to disappoint you simply by virtue of being human. A good relationship should compliment your life, not be the all-encompassing force that sustains your happiness.
Work on your destructive mindsets about the opposite sex.
Believing that all men are pigs is guaranteed to trip you up. You might be able to suspend your beliefs for long enough to start a relationship, but sooner or later this kind of stuff is going to pop up and sabotage you. Either the other person will eventually sense it and be driven away, or you will show your distrust for them. If you feel like you have been wronged, talk to someone, work on it, and get over it. Do not generalize your feelings to “all of them.”
To our hapiness. Cheers.