How will you define your parenting style?
There is no exact way to parent and the fact that your parents parented you in a certain way does not mean you will achieve the same result. Life coach and Psychologist, Lanre Olushola said, look back at the way you were brought up, because oftentimes and 70 per cent of the time, we bring up our children in the way that we were brought up.
“So our parenting style mirrors our parents’ parenting style. A lot of people have said to themselves, ‘I will never do things like my mother’, look at yourself 20 years after, you are exactly like your mother. Others will say, ‘I am never going to make the same mistakes like my father’, and 30 years after, they have made same mistakes just as their father. So you literally need to sit down, look at yourself and ask, why am I replicating my parents’ deeds.”
The father of two said that the answer is based on two fundamental things: the values that you inherited, and your parents’ philosophies, ideologies and beliefs. This is because you never sat down to deliberately decide to imbibe those values. And because these are very critical to your behaviour, the things that you do in your life and the decisions you make, they will influence how you bring up your children.
“So, you can look at your father or mother and ask, how did he end up, do I want to bring up my children like that? And if your answer is no, then I will want to ask what ideologies, beliefs and values you inherited. You need to also access your life and ask, what kind of mistake did my parents make when they were bringing me up, and how did you react or respond to those mistakes, it is important that you correct them in your children.
“Also, you need to set a goal for yourself; you need to create a vision of the kind of children you want. For your children to turn out the way you want them to be, they have to have a kind of parent and so you need to ask yourself if you are the kind of parent that will birth these kind of children.”
He added that analysing the qualities you have and deliberately beginning to change those negative things about it is key, because the environment that you are will nurture your children into the nature that they become as nurture creates our nature. So, the way you are today is the output of the way your parents were and the environment that you were brought up, the way your children will turn out tomorrow, is the way you are and the environment you are nurturing them.
For Yetty Williams, the founder of Lagos Mums and convener of Parenting Conference and Exhibition, it is important for parents to know their parenting style. “There are four major kinds of parenting that we all can relate to, first the authoritarian parenting, where the parent says a thing and it stands, no questions are asked, all orders must be adhered strictly to. The authoritative parenting, where your child can ask you questions and you can tell him/her firmly this is why we are doing this. For me, this is the best of it, because you are authoritative and you still communicate with your children.”
Williams said that the third kind of parenting is permissive and that parent doesn’t want to have their children suffer or stress for anything, hence they give whatever they need and ensure they are fine always. They think that they are their children’s friends, but they are really not. While the intentional parenting which is an improved version of authoritative parenting, means you access how you have turned out as an adult and decide what you will like to recreate in your children, identify areas you will want to work on, so you are very intentional about how you bring up your children.