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Sex in relationships

By Kemi Amushan
16 July 2016   |   2:36 am
Sex is a very important topic. And in relationships, it actually destroys or strengthens it; especially for Us women. I would implore women that you shouldn’t allow a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him at an early stage. It doesn’t actually make him a bad guy…


Sex is a very important topic. And in relationships, it actually destroys or strengthens it; especially for Us women. I would implore women that you shouldn’t allow a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him at an early stage. It doesn’t actually make him a bad guy if he wants to have sex with you, he is just being a guy, and many women let him get away with it. That’s exactly where the problem lies…with us women falling to easily. Don’t be a woman who has sex with a guy thinking that physicality will keep his interest. Most men seek sex for the immediate physical gratification.

Here’s a question I recently received from one of my readers(let’s call her Sanmi)“Hi Miss Kemi, I’m dating this guy, and we have an amazing connection. But since our second date, when we slept together, I feel like he hasn’t treated me as special. Don’t get me wrong, he still comes over and we have a great time, but I feel like he’s just into sex and not wanting anything else with me. How can I turn this around?”

This is actually a very common situation that so many women find themselves in. It’s called “the chemistry trap”. When we feel attraction and chemistry with a man, we let ourselves get flown away, and sex happens. And, once we sleep with a man, we very often get hormonally attached. And then whether we like it or not, whether we accept it or not, we start wanting something more from him. We want more of his attention. We want him to give us a sign that he likes us.

We want him to tell us that we’re beautiful, and, just like Sanmi here, we want him to make us feel special. And we want to know whether or not he feels interested in taking the connection further. And here’s the thing: this is the wrong way to reach love. What we are trying to do here is to reach a committed relationship via the route of sex. And we need to understand that sex cannot give you love. Sex never leads to love. Sex only gets you more sex! This is because women and men are different. While most women start to feel bonded after sex, this doesn’t hold true for men.

Men are able to separate the physical from the emotional and can have sex without feeling attached while most women, including myself, really cannot. For us, everything is interconnected: our emotions, our sexual life, it’s all connected hormonally. If we have sex with a man, we often assume it’s the whole deal (because it feels like it, for us). Meanwhile, he assumes that we are experiencing sex just as he experiences sex: for pleasure, for fun, for the moment. Can you see the misunderstanding, here?

This is most probably why Sanmi’s date stopped making her feel special. He’s not doing it on purpose, to hurt her. It’s just that, for him, they’re just having sex, and he assumes she’s ok with it. He probably likes the situation as it is, and does not feel motivated to work any harder than that. So things stay on that same level of effort on his part.

I’m not sure you understand me well but let’s say that sex and sexual intimacy are in Abuja while love and emotional intimacy are in Lagos. So you have to fly all the way to the west to get there. If you agree to meet the man in Abuja, does he really have any reason to fly all the way to Lagos to meet you?
Sanmi, in the example above, was trying to reach Lagos by staying in Abuja and the only way to create a real relationship is by forming an emotional bond with a man and this happens slowly, in time, once the two of you get to know each other and really connect. This is what a real relationship is based on. This is why I recommend that you don’t sleep with a new man too early. It’s not about manipulation or playing games, it’s about yourself and protecting your own feelings. In this way, you avoid the vulnerable place of blind attachment, neediness and insecurity.

If you want to meet the man in Lagos, don’t go to him in Abuja. Wait until he reaches Lagos as well. The great thing about holding out till he joins you in Lagos is that, once he does, once he knows and likes the person you are, then Abuja becomes even more exciting, and then both of you fly to Abuja together, from that space of already-established shared emotional intimacy. In this way, the sexual intimacy, when it happens, also has an emotional component that will inspire a man to stay.

But, Sanmi already has slept with her date. Is everything lost for her? Absolutely not. If you can bring your focus back on yourself and keep your vibration high, if you can prevent yourself from falling into the trap of needing approval from him and need him to treat you like this or like that, then you can turn things around and create an emotional connection with a man, regardless of whether you slept with him or not. If your vibe doesn’t change after sex, if you are able to not care what he’s thinking or feeling, not care if he’s exclusive, then nothing is wrong. But most women are not like this.

Their minds are not strong at all to deal with such.Let me share with you a rare exception. This is another letter I received from another client of mine (we’ll call her Taiwo):“Hi Kemi, I know that, with you and what you teach and write about, we’re looking for our ‘’The Forever’’ Type of man. But what about Mr. Right Now? I have a single friend that I have a lot of fun with in our cliq. We flirt a lot and the attraction between us is totally felt. But we are very different people and we are not at all a long-term match. What is your opinion of having a no-strings-attached relationship?”

If there is just one word that could answer this question, that word would be: clarity. Clarity is all that you need to decide whether or not you should be jumping into such a purely-sexual arrangement. And in the case of Taiwo, it sounds like she has complete clarity. She knows this is not about long-term commitment, she knows she and the man are not a good match for a long-term real relationship, and she knows that this is just going to be for fun. In other words, Taiwo is not trying to reach Lagos. She just wants to experience Abuja. You get?

When you have this kind of clarity, you don’t need anybody’s permission. I advised Taiwo to be safe and to just have fun. It’s that simple. She already knows so it’s easy for her to just go right ahead and enjoy herself.

So, what’s the takeaway message for you today? Don’t ever try to win love or a committed relationship by having sex with a man. If you are like Taiwo, and you truly, genuinely, honestly only want the sex, then everything is fine. You are choosing to stay in Abuja, you enjoy Abuja, and you don’t plan on flying to Lagos at all at least, not with this particular man.

If long-term commitment is not your goal, and you’re 100% clear about it, go for it! But if you are like Sanmi, and you do want a real relationship and emotional intimacy with the man, then remember that sex is not the route to that. If you want to fly to Lagos, don’t meet him in Abuja. Go for the Lagos flight, go for the emotional connection, take it really slow and steady, allow time and space to let things unfold, so that you really get to know the man before you and remember, you deserve all the love in the world. Don’t settle for less.
To our happiness. Cheers.

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