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Stop wasting your time trying to change him


Kemi Amushan

Kemi Amushan

Have you ever had this kind of feeling that that you are going crazy? It is like one minute your relationship is going along so well and the next you are in the pit of despair. Sometimes it seems like your man truly loves you and other times, well, it is almost as if you do not matter. Maybe he has cheated on you more than once, only to beg for your forgiveness each time and promise he will never do it again.

Or maybe the two of you had a disagreement about something and you have apologised for your own part but he is just too proud to say “sorry” knowing he hurt you too and it has been weeks you two spoke. Or maybe you have broken up and gotten back together so often you have lost count, and the same problems keep rearing their ugly heads over and over again. You keep hoping that this time things will be different, that this time he really will change and become the man you want him to be.

I am sure most of you can relate to this feeling. And relationships like these are an up-and-down, twisting-and-turning, loop-de-loop roller coaster of a ride. While you know you should get off, you have trouble finding the emergency exit. You cannot bear the thought of leaving something that maybe, just maybe might work out; especially not when you have all these intense feelings. And so you hang on tight and try not to fall out of your seat. When you really know you need to avoid being sucked into that abyss.

All too often, we cling to the hope that a man will change his ways and turn into a model boyfriend. We try various tactics to get him to transform from rational discussions to break-ups to ultimatums to withdrawal to angry outbursts to tears. None of it works and we find ourselves in the same, unhappy relationship we had before.

“But I love him!” that is the answer we all give when asked why we put up with improper treatment from a man, our answers are always the same: “I love him.” The question really is, Do you? Why would we love a man who does not show us that he loves, values, and respects us in return?
Does he love you?

Now let me explain this to you ladies. When a man buys us gifts, calls often or checks up on us 4-5 times in a day or ACTs interested in us (see the emphasis on the word ACT), it does not mean that that man loves you. I want to share with you what I read up somewhere: “The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you will see their flaws. That is just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships do not last. You might think that you love someone until you see the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or even hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.” Whatever that means, it is surely deep. So if you have not felt any of these things, it sure is not love you are feeling.

Does he value your relationship?
When a man values your relationship, does he go to any length to make that relationship work and not give up on you once there is an issue between you two? Does he threaten to leave you or walk away or say mean words like “you are really making me to have a re-think about settling with you. When he starts acting like he is doing you a favour by dating you or marrying you, it is time to walk away.

Does that man respect you?
Respect is a huge thing for me in relationships. If your man does not respect you, that is just the beginning of being unhappy in that relationship. If your man can insult you without even thinking twice about how you are feeling or talk to you in a rude manner in front of your family or friends, then it is time to have a re-think about that man. He might not lay his hands on you to hurt you but emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. I am sure you all know that words hurt more than anything else in this world.

So I ask you this questions that how is it possible to love someone who only gives you glimpses of “loving behaviour” from time-to-time, while the rest of your relationship is filled with heartache, hurt, and confusion? I am hesitant to call this “love.”

When you truly love someone, you realize they are not perfect and you are okay with that. I think that kind of feeling has less to do with love and more to do with obsession, infatuation, and wanting to “win.” We think that if we are able to inspire a man to change, we will be worthy, validated, and “good.” If he does not, we see it as a statement on our value and on how much he cares for us.

So “Is there any hope of him changing?” The truth is men rarely change. Sure, they all mature and grow to some degree and the person he is at 18 will likely not be the person he is at 35. (Thank God for that). However, if it is in their character, they hardly ever change. Further, the dynamic which is established between two people in a relationship is usually permanent. That is why when you get back together after a break-up, you almost always end up dealing with the same issues again and again.

That is not to say that all hope should be lost. You can absolutely figure out whether or not a man is willing to change certain aspects of his behaviour. Let us say, for example, he does something you are not okay with; something you know you cannot live with. Talk to him about it in a non-threatening and calm manner. Let him know it bothers you. If he is crazy about you and if it is something he is willing to change, he will do his best to correct it. No, it might not go away completely, but he will absolutely make an effort to please you. That is only if he is willing to change.

It is not just that repeatedly trying to change a man does not work; it will also make you crazy. So instead of trying to change a man into something he is not or into a person he is unwilling to be, it might be time to exchange him for a new one ( I love the sound of that). There is no shame in deciding, it is in your best interest to move on. Trust me. Above all things, your happiness and your peace of mind is what matters the most. Not some guy that will never change his ways.
To our happiness. Cheers.

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1 Comment
  • Abdulwasii ilyas

    Happiness should never be tied to something or someone external to its hunter. Happy people create happiness from within themselves. A lot of women assume this dependence mode you are preaching, jumping from ship to ship, searching for an overly elusive frame of mind called happiness, and never really making serious headway. Leaving or staying does not rank foremost in the scheme, the reason for choosing either is. That’s what you should emphasize to women. That they be the right partner and walk away when that is logical and suitable.