The hold of pornography…
The message of a young lady that reached out to me recently reads… “I am in love with this guy. He took my virginity, but the truth is I have never enjoyed sex with him. I fake everything during love-making. Not because he’s not good but I personally have a problem.
“I got addicted to pornography. And my mind has been built around it, that I can’t ‘cum’ except while watching porn. Although I don’t touch myself, that’s the funniest part, I ‘cum’ when I watch it.
“My man doesn’t know about it and I am scared to tell him. I am worried that it is now a psychological problem because pornography plays in my head with his image.
“I feel I am being unfair to him and also suffering myself. I have tried stopping it but it seems my efforts are not enough. I even feel it’s because of it that I am falling into problems up and down, unlike me. He is considering marriage but I am scared that telling him will ruin everything.
I used to see porn on my elder brother’s phone at an early age, let’s say when I was 11 to 12 years old.
“At first, I was not attracted to it as I felt it was somehow. But growing up and still a virgin, I felt that watching porn and satisfying myself sexually through porn will help me keep my virginity. Until I got addicted to it without even knowing it.
“I have prayed and tried to stop it but it is not working. I even imagine and play porn in my head with my man’s image.
Please, what do you suggest I do? I am 21 and he is 31 years old. I am still schooling while he works in an oil company.”
Porn can easily become an addiction to the mind that is untamed towards pleasure.
Anyone who is in TOTAL control of the mind SHOULD find porn plain boring at some point!
What makes it bad news is when one is unable to leave the imagery in the porn world when it’s time to come back to reality. It’s also disturbing if watching it gives you more satisfaction than the REAL thing.
Experts have consistently warned against making porn the “go-to” by people wishing to spice up their sex lives. Experts warned that it can take an emotional toll on relationships because people who use it are “neurologically bonding” not with their partners, but with the porn. And that, when one partner watches porn surreptitiously, their imagination, and relationship will be put at the mercy of fantasy.
Except to really PUT YOU IN THE MOOD, your sex life stands more to benefit from your ingenuity/personal efforts…than reliving Porn imageries.
Working on your mind is the starting point, here. Find ways to distract your mind positively when the urge comes. Engage and learn to entertain more wholesome thoughts in its place, instead.
For example, play music, go for a walk, call your guy or a friend, read something, juice some fruits, do something around the house…just find a way to actively engage your mind whenever such thoughts threaten to crop up.
Secondly, clear out your space of whatever may be contributing to your addiction to porn. Delete the videos wherever you find them. And stop downloading new ones. In love making, guide your man on how to pleasure you.
This is one of those demons of self that you fight ALONE. Not sure there is any point discussing this with your man. It may come off as “rejection” to him. Not many people can handle such information from a significant order.
You just begin to go the extra mile to purge your mindset of the hold that porn has over it. Redirect your consciousness. Read more. And that includes your Bible… if you are a Christian.
Engage your mind on completely opposite endeavours. Please, don’t forget the place of prayer in all these. It’s a mental battle.
Regain absolute control of your mind. Retrain your mind to entertain unwholesome thoughts less. But if you feel overwhelmed, you can actively seek out a counsellor/therapist to guide you.
Don’t be ashamed to seek help on your issues. People fight darker battles of the mind on a daily basis but the voice you listen to always wins.
Anytime such thoughts cross your mind, just don’t be hard on yourself or think you are failing at your resolution.
But then, don’t entertain it. Gently, bring back your mind to where you want it and focus it there. Come up with positive affirmations (e.g. “you are not welcomed in this head of the mind’’) to help alert your consciousness.
With time…your thoughts will wander less in that direction.