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When an Ex is the issue …


A lady wrote me recently. She is a final year student, and has been dating a guy for about two years now. The guy was working in Lagos but is recently transferred to the East, same town where her school is located. The problem is that the guy’s ex-girlfriend would not let him rest. She is still very much in the picture. When they are together, his phone keeps ringing and most of the calls are from the lady (his ex)-who calls him as much as five times in a day. He stopped dating the lady over two years back (prior to his meeting this lady). He claims that there is nothing between him and the lady but she (his girlfriend) is not convinced.

The ex sends text massages to him several times in a day, and such text messages end with” I love you” or ‘’I still care’’. In some of the text messages, she would tell him that she not only loves, but also misses him.

She has only seen the guy’s reply to the lady once and it ended with “I love you”. The guy keeps insisting that whatever he had with the girl has faded. When she challenged him to call the lady in her presence and tell her to stop calling him, he claimed that he does not want to hurt her feelings and he wants them to part on a good note.


Whenever she pushes it, he gets angry. She loves this guy a lot and she is emotionally down right now. She will be travelling out of town for two weeks and she is scared that when she does, the ‘ex-lovers’ may get mischievous behind her-because the other lady also resides in the same town as them. The guy and his ‘ex’ are also from the same town. She said that she does not want to fold her arms and do nothing until he leaves her, so she asked me, “should I break up with him now and save myself the heartache or should I just keep quiet and watch events unfold?’’

She is in her mid-twenties and while the guy is 30 years old.
Oby’s response…
Calling off the relationship (out of INSECURITY) will not spare you of heartache either…since you said that you love him.

I really have a problem with people who are more concerned about the activities of their partner and an ‘ex’ than they are with simply nurturing (to the best of their ability) a supposed budding relationship.

With all these bickering about an ‘ex’ and snooping through his phones…how much time do you even devote to making the relationship work?
I mean, that is what should make everything alright at the end of the day. It is not the CID (or is it FBI?) that you are playing with a man that will keep him to you, it is the efforts you have made towards giving the best of yourself to the relationship. Except if the man isn’t worth it.

There are people we meet and they make us forget everything about an ‘ex’-no matter how wonderful such an ‘ex’ is but there are also people we meet and they make us regret losing an ‘ex’.

Where do you fall in both categories… if your guy has suddenly resumed intense communication with an ‘ex’, when he should be having a bliss with you?

I do not support your asking him to call his ‘ex’ before you to dress her down…that is childish and anybody that has been in one’s life (‘ex’ or not) does not deserve such humiliation, no matter what. His body language should be able to send the message loud and clear to her…if he is serious about ‘having ended things with her’ for good.

You know, a friend once opined that women do not have regards for their fellow women…once a man is involved.Finally, when a new relationship is all about an ‘ex’…I get overwhelmed.


It means that something is wrong somewhere and somebody is clearly CONFUSED or trying to “eat his cake and have it.”In such settings, one who has a great deal of RESPECT for him/herself gives the CONFUSED a break-to sort things out properly and only come back-if he is clear about what he/she wants.

To every lady out there, if you wish to quit a relationship, do so because you know you deserve better. It is not always wise to act on one’s insecurity. Rather work on it.

Sometimes, it’s not about the whims of other women, but you needing to work on your esteem issues. If you matter to somebody, his/her body language will tell you all you need to know. Trust actions more than words when it comes to relationships.

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