Who is talking to the women? – Part 2

This comment is from another reader… “On justifying the tolerance of abuse in marriage -because of the children.Do you know that an abusive spouse is a poisonous or terrible influence on the children? I am talking from experience.A son that I spent my hard-earned money to train in the University abroad beat me up –sometime back. As sorrowful as my spirit was, I didn’t have the mind to call the authorities on him…having a record in certain misdemeanor dents one’s image for life in the Western society.

What is worse? The mother took sides with him and tried so much to underplay what the boy did…as our families registered their displeasure. I knew then that I had no marriage anymore.
The boy has watched the mother walk all over me, over the years and have probably come to regard me as a nobody…thanks to the things he hears the mum say to me and about me.Yet, I have never found it necessary to tell him or any of his younger ones that I CAUGHT THEIR MOTHER AND MY ERSTWHILE BEST FRIEND ON BED.

And that’s a woman that I relocated overseas for marriage and ended up training in the University-to the Masters level.The difference between a decent spouse and an abusive spouse is this:

I care about the emotional toil that certain reality about their mum will have on them. But the abusive spouse is incapable of considering even the emotions of the children, as they seek to destroy the other. My daughter that was almost turned against me with malicious tales asked me recently “daddy, why do you let her do this to you?’’ It moved me to tears.The girl even told me that the mother once threatened to curse her…if she dared relate with me.

But today, my daughter and I are very close.Will I open my mouth about their mother to them? God forbid.

The much that they have come to know on their own is enough for me.’’
FROM OBY:
Make no mistakes please…
Children are no fools. You may be soiling the innocent minds of the children with poisonous tales about the other parent, but they still get to know the real you. Children are not as naïve as most people think.

When all you do is poison their minds about the other parent, who doesn’t go the malicious route about you, don’t think they will believe you forever. Time comes when they will figure out everything on their own. Do you know the joy of having a child figure out WHO IS WHO (in a marriage) without you manipulating their emotions? That, to me, is the JUSTICE OF LIFE.

They grow to figure things out-regardless of what you tell them about the other party.My advice to the decent parties in a marital dispute, I mean, the spouse who fights fair in marital disputes…please keep going high when they go low. It’s a lot more dignifying.

And life vindicates the innocent-at all times.
In the words of friends on domestic abuse of men…
“ In life we must learn to calm ourselves in all situation.
We must give room for sober reflection. We should always remind ourselves of the good times we shared and how loving it was with our partners. It is time we take responsibility for what we do to others. Inflicting pain, sorrow, fear or destroying ourselves is not and can never be best way to resolve domestic issues.’’
“Men…lead your home from that place of sound fair authority; no wife who still means to be with you, in a lifelong arrangement, would dare breach it. A bit of sterner character is always required (especially from the man), to show leadership.’’

“Women… can we honestly say we are the type of wife we would wish for our own sons? Let’s not destroy someone’s child please. If you don’t like him enough- don’t marry him.’’“Verbal abuse is as injurious as physical abuse. Neither is more potent than the other. It’s all about the effect that each can have on the ‘victim’.’’

‘’One day, when the true stories of what men endure from supposedly pious, righteous and quiet wives are released, the world will have a rethink of what and who the REAL ABUSERS are.’’
“Men that suffer these abuses from women are not always those that abuse women. In many cases men that suffer in the hands if women are the quiet and gentle ones.’’“A women can shout domestic abuse from the roof top and she will be supported. A man won’t seek help for being verbally abused, simply for the fear of ridicule. The very fabric of what makes him a man has been torn when he does that.’’