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Why it’s hard for successful women to find love

By Kemi Amushan
02 July 2016   |   1:26 am
Most times, for the high-achieving independent woman people think she’s an overly picky, extreme feminist who hates men. This couldn’t be further from the truth.


Most times, for the high-achieving independent woman people think she’s an overly picky, extreme feminist who hates men. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I had a conversation with a more matured elderly woman who is a marriage councellor. We discussed why successful women have such a hard time finding the right mate.I shared some of my observations with her. When she said she’d never heard them and they intrigued her, I was shocked. So I decided to share this with you too today in this newsletter.

One thing we overlook is the fact that high-achieving women grow faster emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and financially. This is a huge challenge.

Most people aren’t committed to being the best version of themselves or fulfilling their full potential. As elitist as this may sound, you aren’t the average woman,which is the truth and this means you’re not going to be well-matched to the average man. Now let’s be clear, this is not simply about financial or career success. It’s about values, goals, growth and how you choose to live your life. When a man can’t ‘keep up’, you start feeling unfulfilled in the relationship. (This goes both ways. Successful men also say they have a hard time finding women who can ‘keep up.’) so when you’re consistently feeling unfulfilled, you leave the relationship. You start looking elsewhere. If you’ve tried to work it out, but your partner has different desires, it’s natural for you to make that choice.

I’ve heard lots of successful men and women leave relationships because they’ve outgrown their partners and their number one excuse was ‘’We fear a loss of freedom’’.

I remember when I first started dating men, I would get this stifling feeling when it came to actually meeting for a drink or lunch. My heart would beat fast. It would feel like all the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I knew something was wrong. When you are with the right person who inspires you, grows with you, has the same values and level of ambition, you do feel free. Right? You want to be more and become a better woman. What we fear most is judgment.

Now, why does fear of judgment make attracting love hard? If you don’t admit what you truly want, you’ll keep repeating the same mistakes and attracting the wrong types of men. Let’s say you’ve worked hard to create a comfortable lifestyle that takes a certain amount of money to maintain. Secretly, you desire the right, loving man who is also financially successful to share the lifestyle you’ve created with you. But since women who declare this get criticized, you never admit it to yourself or anyone else. You feel guilty and ashamed for wanting this. So you keep attracting men who don’t have their finances together. Or users. Or men whose values don’t match yours. Or you repeatedly bungle dates or ruin relationships with men who are an ideal match.

Either way, you’ve rolled up the welcome mat to Love. This is how fear of judgment makes it nearly impossible to attract the right, high quality man.

So what’s the solution to this? The thing is you must admit what you want.First, to yourself, Second, publicly (when appropriate). Even if it’s unconventional or goes against what your family and friends believe. We fear compromising to the point of losing ourselves. It’s impossible to have a deep, happy, committed relationship without compromise. You have to always choose what’s best for you at all times.

So how many times have you fallen head over heels for someone and lost yourself in the process? One day you woke up and didn’t recognize yourself. You looked in the mirror and asked, “Who is this woman I’ve become?” I do it sometimes too so it’s not weird. Lol. And by doing this,its harmful to you because you begin not to trust yourself and then you begin to have pity on yourself and you pull back and then go back into that hole u came out from. You stop opening up, you become overly cautious and when the pendulum swings to the opposite end, you create a forcefield that keeps love from entering your life.

The thing is we fear losing control because all day long we are busy making decisions. In our businesses or in the boardroom, with clients and customers. We are leading teams and solving problems. Letting go of those reins can be hard, but when you run your entire life like that–year after year, it becomes your ‘natural state’ and we all know what the end result of that will be. You wouldn’t meet the strong men who can take over and support you and even if you do, he wouldn’t stay around for long.

And the number one reason why he’s thinking this is because he thinks ‘’you’ve got this. You don’t need him.’’ Not in an unhealthy, clingy way, but more like feeling useless. And there’s nothing a man hates more than when he feels not needed. This is how great men come and go out of your life and when you boil it down, one thing is clear: you don’t  fear being alone; you fear investing lots of time, heart and soul in the wrong person. And that’s where the problem lies…you need to get that feeling out. Clean out your life…that is clean out the old to attract the new. Have a fresh start, broaden your horizons and you’ll see how quickly your love life will change.
To our happiness.

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