The Guardian
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Working on yourself



I get a lot of questions from readers regarding attracting love, and about how to get more love into their lives or their current relationship. Often we think that if we just tell our partner that we are not happy with what they are offering, and share what we do want, that this will bring the change we are hoping for in the relationship. That if he knows how unhappy we are, that he will be inspired to fix it, that if we share how unhappy we are when they do or maybe don’t do something, we think that if we tell them what to do, then we will create the relationship we want.

I have also learned the hard way that love and relationships do not work this way, at all.
I remember I used to always tell my guy that we needed to talk. I would want to talk about the relationship and tell him what he wasn’t doing enough of and what I needed from him to feel happy and secure in the relationship. I am very certain that it came off very controlling! This definitely did not inspire him at all to step up and take charge. It felt filled with expectation and obligation. It actually created more disconnection and tension.

I learned the hard way that inspiring changes in love and relationships starts with ourselves.
To heal my own relationship I had to completely go back to the basics and take full responsibility for my happiness or at that time, the lack of it that I was experiencing. This started very small and gained momentum with time and practice. The wonderful thing about it though is that it didn’t take long for my guy to notice a shift in my vibe and energy. I learned how forgiving and kind my guy was and that he had not changed at all, but it was me that inspired the relationship to completely shift for the better. I went from needy, insecure, and angry to calm, independent and peaceful and I bet you that this change was authentic and lasting, it is who I now am. I still have moments of the old me, but I can recognize and own when I am looking for him to fill me up emotionally vs. myself.

A question I often ask is what can you do right now to get yourself to a better feeling place? What can you turn towards to get things going in a more positive direction? Let me quickly share this with you…about 4 Saturdays ago, I remember the day being extremely hot, I’m sure it was 70 degrees and so sunny. I took a drive with my bestie to a place in Ikoyi called the waterfront. Was actually tired of being indoors and away from the cooling system to fresh unadulterated fresh air. So we got to the waterfront, set out our picnic blanket and just laid there looking into the water and its surroundings, feeling the cool/warm breeze on our skin and I just started thinking about how amazing it felt to feel the sun on my skin and how truly healing nature is. Something as simple as a little sun on my face and warm breeze on the skin felt so inspiring and so healing. It elevated my whole mood and completely lifted my whole spirit. It got me back in the present moment and allowed me to see that there was nothing going on that was urgent. Nothing in my life required that kind of immediate action oriented type of response.

We often think it is going to take something major or some sort of big overhaul to create a shift, but it truly starts with something as simple as turning towards what feels good for you in that moment. It can really be as simple as redirecting your focus and what you are choosing to focus your energy and attention on.

So back to what we were talking about, the next time you want to tell your man what he needs to do for you to be happy, or you feel the urge to sit him down and discuss the relationship, consider going a different direction. Consider feeling your challenging feelings and just allowing them to pass through, while simultaneously turning towards something that puts the focus back on you in a positive way.

It’s not about doing things perfectly but it’s about creating those little shifts that over time create something beautiful for us.
To our happiness. Cheers.

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