Wrong words at the wrong time…

A lady wrote me recently about her issues with her husband. While she admitted being taken aback by the husband’s action, she also asked a pertinent question- the kind of question that must have taken domain in the mind of every married person at some point.

You know there are times we try so hard to convince ourselves that those hurtful words that were hurled at us in the cause of a quarrel meant nothing, and that a “beloved” probably said those in anger. But then, not every wrong word that is uttered at the wrong time is merely speaking out of anger.A lot of those words actually contain “true feelings” that have just found their way out of the mouth-at a convenient time!
Read her first…

“I partake in ‘daily contribution’ with some women in my area. When I started, my husband had no idea about it and honestly, I didn’t consider telling him about it such a big deal. It was my turn to take home the total contribution a few weeks back and they brought the money home for me. While I was counting the money, my husband walked into the room and demanded to know how I came across all that money.

Without even waiting for me to answer his question, he began to accuse me of being a thief and stealing his money.By this time, he was shouting. I stopped trying to explain and began to ignore his subsequent remarks.The next thing, he made to hit me and I glared at him, threatening that I would use any weapon within my reach on him if he tried that. I also threatened that the matter won’t be resolved easily any day he touched me because I would involve my brothers.He retreated but the next thing this man did surprised me. He began to send me SMS…calling me ‘’Dirty. Pig.’’

And even boasted that his girlfriend is far better than me.I didn’t reply any of his messages but I am unsettled about the whole issue. This is a man that I thought I was building a future with. What could have made him bring up his girlfriend boldly in our issue? I didn’t even know he was cheating on me. We have not been on talking terms since the incident happened.

Could it be he said that to make me angry or am I staring at the reality of my marriage? I need your advice on how to handle things going forward. I am a caterer but he is an IT professional. He is 39 while I am 34. We have a son and daughter…both under age 6. Thank you.’’

FROM OBY:
A person is most likely to tell you their SINCERE feelings about you when they are angry. It is possible that the issue about a girl friend is so that he can hurt you back with words but you see the tag of DIRTY? That can only come from a spouse who feels your efforts on HYGIENE aren’t satisfactory. When all settles…please sit up on that. That man has told you what he has been dying to tell you but never found the courage.

On the money issue…
I advise you get the leaders of your savings scheme to pay him a visit with their books…so he understands the true picture of things. And then wait for his APOLOGY. If he is not the type that is excessively driven by ego…he will definitely apologise to you for the accusations and mean choice of words. The proud type may not expressly apologise but you read I AM SORRY in their body language.

However he does that, you must not fail to communicate one thing CLEARLY…when he comes around. And that is…that you MEANT it when you threatened to give him more than he bargained for any day he raised his hands on you.

Even when things are OK between you two…please make him understand that, so he doesn’t make the mistake of thinking you are still talking out of anger. Explain that dialogue isn’t an invitation for a physical assault in any way.

As for his choice on you, ask him if he would have ever got over such words if you were the one taunting him about a boyfriend? Leave a few words to play on his conscience. Afterwards, let go. And you both should move on.This (angry words) is a lot common in marriages but people should also make efforts to apply restraint.

Certain angry words can make a partner recoil from you so much that you have a hard time drawing them out of their shell…for things to be normal again. The pain of restraint is more bearable than that of regret.