Another type of marital burden…

His message made me realise that the real marital burden is embedded in a spouse’s attitude and not necessarily in the circumstances of their lives.

Read him first: “Please, how does one handle a woman that is bent on pursuing unrealistic way of life?

My problem is not that my wife can’t hold down any business, despite the numerous attempts that she has made at various businesses. The issue is her wasteful lifestyle. It’s really getting to me and affecting my finances.

Sometimes, I find myself blaming the calibre of friends she keeps. Most of her friends are wives of expatriates. It’s almost like she must follow every standard they set…including the kind of schools our kids are enrolled in.

At a point, I became openly unwelcoming to most of them but she still found a way to keep their company. I had to ask her why it’s so easy for her to pick unwholesome habit from whomever she just met.

When our daughter left secondary school, instead of enrolling the girl for JAMB, she claimed that her friends are sending their kids to a certain preparatory school that could fetch them scholarships abroad.

We coughed out good cash for that. Not even my warnings that I do not have the funds for international studies swayed her. That girl ended up missing a whole academic session because I stood my ground that I wasn’t bringing out money for her to go study abroad. Finally, she gained admission into a Federal University here.

During Easter, she and the kids travelled out of town. In that particular state that they travelled to, I have a house…well furnished bungalow. Do you know that I would later discover that they never stepped foot into that house for one day? When I confronted her, she told me that her friends had difficulty visiting because the place was on the outskirts of town. At the end of the day, the one week they spent there was at a hotel that she was paying N45, 000 per night.

I just am tired and wondering how one can curb these excesses of hers? Do I threaten to walk out of the marriage? I don’t know if hers is some kind of helplessness or just someone who can’t live within her means?

Do you know, it’s a so bad that each time I learn about a new friend she made, I mentally brace myself for what “trend” the new friendship will bring into our home. And on my pocket.
Recently, the thought of separating from her has been coming strong on me.

Let me not even bore you with stories about the schools we have had to withdraw our kids from to enroll them in the ludicrous ones that her friends patronised. I am even ashamed to open up to friends and family about these things. I don’t want to be seen as a weakling. I feel it’s time for me to take a drastic measure. I just don’t know where or how to even begin.

Please consider this a cry for help. I am not trying to put my woman down in anyway. Thank you.”

FROM OBY:
“Because I stood my ground”…please, do more of this. And within reason too. In no time, she will get the message and naturally call herself to a meeting.

Don’t bother about interfering in her friendships…she will do the curtailing herself, when she can no longer “belong” to every trend they set.

Such friendships that are anchored on effizzy lifestyle fizzle out faster than gas…because often times than not, the only bond they have is that “showy” lifestyle and when one can no longer belong, they either leave you behind or you begin to avoid them.

Concern yourself with just tightening the noose on careless spending. Make her understand that whatever is not a priority or what you can’t spare free cash on will no longer be entertained and leave it at that.

She has to be extremely insensitive not to have read the economic mood in these times. If at this age, she has not made a concerted effort at keeping to a reliable source of livelihood…I doubt if the zeal/willingness is there.

But then, you never know what “changes” your new measures will arouse in her. I really don’t think this issue is enough to spell the end of the marriage, yet. You have only failed to take over the reins in your home. Do that first and see what reaction that brings out of her…a positive or negative?

That is what will point to the direction the marriage is headed. It helps to tango with someone who has similar values as yourself; it makes the marital walk easier. It’s not enough to marry for looks or youth.