Five types of Naija relatives…
Somehow, life manages to plant one of these types in a typical extended family setting here.
.Thanks to this AUNTY…you are abreast of the latest happenings back home…especially the juicy tales.
Even if things are happening on hourly basis, this aunty will give you the updates accordingly. Problem is…you are bound to start avoiding her calls because aunty doesn’t know how to draw the lines between relevant and irrelevant gists.
Your ears must hear all o. Afterall, AUNTY takes her job of being “your ears/eyes down there”, seriously. It is most likely that your pocket would have also suffered in the hands of this aunty.
I mean, your gist sessions “cannot come and end like that’’ (as Nigerians say) without Aunty subtly hinting that their salaries have not been paid “since”…yet President Buhari increased the price of garri!
.That cousin that your younger self kind of used as a yardstick for how well you are doing. And the nonsense human being really “peppered “ you nonstop with an arrogant disposition. Or maybe they are just oblivious to how much everything about them hit at your insecurity.
They are probably in your age bracket.
A typical bad day would be you HEARING that they scored higher in JAMB or WAEC. Then, the day you heard that they gained admission into the University before you …you will just go and fall sick.
These ones seem as if life planted them near you to do “tongue out’’ to you. You have not even been to any West African country, yet you hear they are traveling “better abroad.”
Biting your fingers…you now decide not to greet them again when you see them or just keep face “somehow” whenever you run into them.
If that cousin is female, it is most likely that you would feel like all the fine boys in the neighborhood lived for her attention while only the ones you don’t like are the ones noticing you…that girl must be a witch!
Post-teenage years…she has not stopped being your nemesis. I mean, failure to you was when she got married before you! Why is life using this human being to punish you like this?…you would think.
You can take the success stories of every other person but anything that has to do with this particular person getting ahead of you in life; you will need to swallow really hard to digest the news.
Somehow, news about them knows how to find their way to your ears.
That uncle or aunty that everybody wonders how you two get along. I mean, everybody AVOIDS them but you have remained their “personal person.”
When everyone dreads going near their things, they harvest the best of their farm produce for you whenever you visit. With you, they are completely different. And the fondness most likely started from when you were very young.
As long as you can remember, there was never a time they weren’t fond of you or nice to you. Yet, it’s never about what you give them, because …these (difficult types) don’t do “long throat.”
The family has even converted you into a middle- man whenever their co-operation is being sought on matters. You are the only person who gets through to them. Any other person that even dares will see PEPPER!
.The relative that has appointed him or herself your “personal assistant’’ or “go to person’’ back home. Invitations get accepted on your behalf. Promises are made or extracted on your behalf. They even take it upon themselves to decide who has access to you. Sometimes, their excesses make you mad, other times…you just laugh it off. But you dare not complain!
These ones are even prone to asking whoever wishes to associate with you to seek their approval first. Yet, this human being that is policing your life like this has never spent a dime on you.
.This one is most likely an aged aunt or uncle. Giving yourself “sense’’ is accepting the fact that it is not only your parents that came into this world to be catered for…by you. Before you even get to the village, their prescription drugs are waiting to be bought by you.
Once they set their eyes on you…lamentation about that “evil arthritis’’ will continue from where it stopped, the last time you visited.
And before you leave, you are mandated to scout for a better arthritis medication from the city and send down, if you don’t want to come back to bury them.
If their roof is leaking…it’s on your head. They will rather burden you with their issues than bother with that “good for nothing’’ son of theirs, whose wife has bewitched him. Or the hopeless daughter who hasn’t visited home since she married “that man” from God knows where!