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If she has been hurt…

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Photo: PEXELS

In narrating his marital issues sometime back, a man wrote… “I met my wife during one of my visits to Nigeria. We got married with the understanding that her joining me in the UK is not immediate. We soon had a child but, after some time, I noticed her body language towards me wasn’t right, and I asked her questions. Her response was like I shouldn’t bother, that we are fine.

Each time I’m visiting; she never does anything special to woo me. No special hair-do, no makeup, no special food, etc. On several occasions, I’ve asked her if I’m doing anything wrong or if there’s something she needs. Her answers are always “everything is okay.” The love-making is just zero. She doesn’t show she misses it!

Then, I said to myself that she must have been getting it from someone else. So I started looking for clues and secretly investigating. I managed to get hold of her bank statements. I then noticed a very small amount of money coming into her account from a man!

I asked her about it, and she said the man is a family friend from her mother’s side.

During my visit to Nigeria in January, I asked her mum about the man and she said they’re not related. Immediately I returned to the UK, we had a big argument, words were exchanged and both families were insulted. My wife blocked me on all her phone lines and social media platforms. A friend of mine helped me to persuade her to talk to me after awhile. We started talking but she has so much anger in her.

The issue now is that she said she doesn’t love me anymore and not joining me in the UK. What should I do? Should I just let her be?

Please note: Her documents for joining me in the UK are being processed.
I send money to her on a weekly basis.
I buy her lots of things whenever I’m coming to Nigeria, from mobile phone to intimate wears.
I visit two to three times a year.
I bought her a car even before she learned how to drive.

I wouldn’t know if her anger is because she once saw a chat between me and a lady that I dated in the UK.
But that relationship has long ended.’’

FROM OBY…
If you are truly over with the UK lady, what was her SMS still doing on your phone? Whatever your wife saw in the exchanges between you and the lady must have given her a disturbing picture of things.

You have done your findings and can’t really say categorically that another man is in the picture.
That is probably the truth. You mentioned finding “small money’’ coming into her account.
A lot of married women have ‘old friends’ that occasionally extend kind gestures to them.

Usually when a woman withdraws in that manner from you, you have done something that really hurt her. If another man is the issue, she won’t play with her appearance. Even you will understand that all the efforts are not solely for your attention. The loss of interest in pleasuring you and taking care of herself points to a woman who has been deeply hurt.

I don’t think your marriage is irredeemable, yet. I just feel that you have not really reached your woman’s core.
You have probably been too interested in fishing out her ‘sins’ to look in the mirror in earnest.

Find a way to get to her core with NO OTHER ISSUE other than an appeal for her to tell you wherever she is no longer feeling you in the marriage. If properly approached, her people are most likely to tell you what the real issues are.

Sometimes, when a woman tells you that she is no longer in love with you, chances are that she said that to get at you for hurting her.

I don’t think you handled things well by engaging your woman in the exchange of words that involved your families. A sensitive spouse that you have insulted his/her folks WILL recoil from you.

Certain insults to one’s folks are hard to get over.

Going the extra mile to save your marriage isn’t being a fool.

However, there is really not much you can do if a partner decides they would rather quit the marriage.

On recounting your gifts to her,

She is YOUR WIFE. You have done her no favours by living up to your responsibility.

A woman who is married to you is entitled to every largesse that can come from you.

Boyfriends do much more for girlfriends…let alone a spouse.

But I understand you pointed that out to show you have not been found wanting in your duties towards her!


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