Men are not ‘all knowing’…
A Lady’s message to me holds a doorway to the mindset of an average woman about men. But we have constantly failed to realise that men are not all-knowing. At least not in the manner we ALWAYS expect of them.
Read her, first:
“My husband is a divorcee. He had been so for over 10 years. We have a set of three-year-old twins.
My husband is 18 years my senior. My husband is a good provider and father. In fact, I had our babies abroad.
And have also travelled overseas for vacations…thanks to him.
It’s just one thing about him that worries me.
“Since we got married, my husband has never taken me on an outing with him. He would rather go out with his friends. I also noticed that his clique of friends don’t bring their wives along on outings…be it weddings or other social engagements. I am an educated and fashionable woman, it’s not like one is going to embarrass him out there. Yet, whenever there is an occasion that we should attend as a couple…he goes alone.
“Our family friend had the wedding of her daughter, recently. We were meant to attend the event. On the D-day, my husband suggested the driver takes me there-as he wasn’t sure of his movement on that day. The idea of not attending with him discouraged me, so I stayed back home, only for him to come back home with some goodies (specially packaged for him) and claimed that he managed to “show face” at the event.
“There are so many of such incidents. Is it that he is not proud of having me beside him? This hurts me so much. I am in my 40s while my husband is in his late 50s.’’
I see a man who hasn’t learned to strike a balance between married life and his former (bachelor) life. Most men who married very late or stayed alone for a very long time, after a failed marriage, grapple with that a lot. It’s something akin to phobia of the “total commitment” that marriage requires of one. Bliss with them is NOT breathing down their neck with your expectations.
Their space is sacred to them.
Sometimes, I think such people aren’t cut out for marriage. Marriage is often a BIG step for them. And if he took that step with you, he loves you very much. It might take him a while to come around but, until then, handle this with patience and a bit of (emotional) independence too. Cultivate your own passion. Nurture your own (healthy!) social circle and STILL learn to enjoy the “goodness” that he brings to the table.
He might come off as self-absorbed but in truth…such people are often not mentally equipped to handle the DEPTH that women seek in relationships. Sometimes, express your desire for a “couple outing” to him. Once it begins to cross his mind, he will begin a gradual MENTAL adjustment in that regard. When we love someone, we won’t always have our way at the expense of their happiness. A lot that we expect of people don’t even cross their minds but we are quick to assume their action/inaction is deliberate. The most important thing is that you convince yourself that he is not doing this to hurt you.
He is most likely behaving HOW BEST he knows or used to.
Also, when dealing with people coming from an experience (e.g. failed marriage)…it’s not out of place for their “damage” to play out, albeit unintentionally. It’s important we guide people on how we love to be treated. Men are not as “all knowing ‘’ as we like to expect of them. You will need patience to navigate this phase with him. He will come around but it will be a gradual process.
Don’t nag him about it. Don’t let yourself think less of him. Find ways to utilise your own space at such times.
And when he comes around…embrace the gesture with open arms.
Seek not to settle scores or give ego a needless space in your affairs.
Compared to a lot of women, you are in Paradise, if this is the only flaw you see in your spouse.
More than anything else, it is your mindset that determines how serious a matter this should be.
You can decide not to see it as a big deal and focus on the goodness that he brings to the table.
Don’t forget there are aspects of you that he isn’t fond of but consider inconsequential to the rest of you that he adores.
May we learn to handle the weakness of others in the manner we expect them to handle ours.
It’s not every HURT that is deliberate, especially when a loved one is involved!