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Stop trying too hard

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We ladies tend to want to satisfy our men by overdoing things. It could be a huge turn off and it could make us loose the love we so want.Sometimes the most intelligent of us fall victim to the idea that we can “try” ourselves into better relationships with people who frankly, will never give us the kind of love that we really want. While it is true to an extent that we should all be making an effort in our relationship, there is a point where trying harder is actually detrimental.

So what is the difference between doing the right kind of relationship work and trying too hard?
You are forcing it when…

You rationalize their bad behavior.
While coming to your partner’s defense can be a good instinct, unfortunately you find yourself making excuses for their downright bad behavior and it is a pattern. If you find yourself saying things like: “that is not what they meant” “they really mean well”, “they are just damaged/conflicted/busy/commitment-phobic/add your own excuse” etc. If this is you, it is more likely that you are dealing with someone who is not treating your relationship with respect.

You analyze every move they make.
“Yesterday they called at 2pm, and that seems to be a pattern, but today they did not. Then you start to think all sorts like are they dating someone else? Why in Gods name would you think that. You just need to chill out. Letting your thoughts run wild to the negative side just causes stress. If the other person truly has lost interest in you, you will know that in time but letting your insecurities spew all over a budding romance will hasten their departure. Trust me.

You try to buy their affection (consciously or not).
This includes giving them regular gift showers and loaning them money. When you are trying to win someone’s affections, you will get much further with legitimately earning their respect than giving them your resources. Sometimes we do not set out to do this, but with the right sob story or under the pressure of wanting them to like us, we do it anyway.

You complain about the amount of time, attention and resources that they allot to you.
It is one thing if you are dealing with someone who is genuinely busy, it is a whole other if you are trying to have a relationship with someone who has demonstrated that they do not value the opportunity to spend time with you. Whining about spending time together will just make them want to avoid you. It is the classic “hungry dog does not get fed” problem.

You overanalyze your own normal behavior and dwell on the outcome.
While a certain amount of uncertainty in a relationship (particularly a new one) is normal, there is a point where worrying how you come off flips you into super insecurity mode. By all means, learn better relationship skills and use them often, but try not to dwell on mundane details. Wanting to be liked too much can make you, well… unlikeable.

You feel powerless and needy.
Trying too hard and not valuing yourself go hand in hand. There is a painful, needy, dependent feeling that comes from begging for someone’s attention and that unhinged feeling is a sign that the power balance between the two of you is dangerously off balance.

You are ready to drop anything to spend time with them.
In a healthy, balanced relationship, both people have outside interests and this is good. Also, the other person does not act like a limited-time engagement. Do not be afraid they will disappear if you do not “act now.” If that is truly the case, would you rather not be a part of that anyway? So think twice the next time you want to automatically turn “me time” into “we time.”

You are fully in “I will do anything for love” mode.
You do not feel like you are at the top of their list yet, but you are willing to do whatever it takes. You are sure that if you just worked harder, it would all be perfect between you two. You are cool with their foibles, addictions, bizarre behavior, the way they treat you, the fact that they only call at 2am. You are ready to make this work, baby. Because “they are worth it” or something. Inded.

When they pull away from you (real or imagined), it throws you into a spiral.
This sort of off-balance behavior, analysis and pining turns any uncertainty from them into a mourning-worthy event.

You think more about securing “a commitment” from them than you do about how the relationship is going awesome.
“Locking it down” should not take priority over genuinely enjoying someone’s company. True commitment from someone else does not happen because you are trying to make it happen. It happens because both people are having such an awesome time together that doing anything else seems absurd. Wanting to eventually have your life look a certain way (like marriage if you want that) is completely reasonable but trying to convince anyone to give it to you is off base.

So what should you do about all of this? Remember that making an effort in a relationship should be reserved for when it is worth it. But what does worth it look like? Think of your time and attention as a gift. If someone does not appreciate that gift, then you can choose to move on and give it to someone else, but you cannot wrench love out of them by giving them more. Acting desperate and like you have to go to extreme measures to get their attention will only diminish their respect for you over time.
To our happiness. Cheers.

A relationship with someone else has to be both people trying, not you trying to muscle something into place.If you are doing these things, consider why. Find that needy beast within and see what it really wants. What might sound like “I want someone to love” can actually mean that you need to do some work on yourself first. Sometimes this work looks like valuing yourself above your relationship. Other times it means looking for the right person to bestow your gifts upon.

If the beast inside your head tells you that your efforts are not good enough or you worry that they will not like you if you stop going to extreme measures, repeat after me: Let it flow. Instead of trying to force things, be present in the current moment. When you start to obsess (I do it too!), bring yourself back to the now. In the now, everything is always okay. Try your best to expect good things from other people but be prepared to move on if they just do not do actions that show they appreciate your gift.To our happiness. Cheers.


In this article:
Kemi AmushanRelationships

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