Misunderstanding Was Created At The Tower Of Babel

The Why
Ever wondered why misunderstandings are inevitable in all relationships? As you spend more time with another individual, regardless of the age difference, level of intellect, or how articulate you both are, there must be misunderstandings.

It is so unavoidable that it has become a prerequisite to growth in relationships, not like the misunderstandings will stop at some point in the relationship, it is unending.

Typical of humans to manage unsolvable problems, we have invented ways to deal with misunderstandings. A few techniques, which are probably familiar are conflict resolution skills, effective communication tools (verbal and non-verbal cues), and active listening. Many individuals like psychologists, therapists, counsellors, mental health activists and interpersonal relationship enthusiasts have made it their life’s purpose to advocate for this cause through books, articles, videos and audio.

While these tools are very helpful, it does not eliminate the mental stress caused by misunderstandings; they are a thief of joy and peace, they cause pain, and they destroy relationships. Friends have become enemies, families have broken, and lives have been lost, due to misunderstandings.

What is most pathetic about misunderstandings is that the parties involved think they’re right and the other person is wrong. After resolving a stressful and needless misunderstanding myself, it caused me to think about it deeply; why can’t we understand each other even when we are both speaking the same language? This question took me straight to the Holy Book of Christians, the popular story of the Tower of Babel.

This story can be found in the Book of Genesis, it narrates a time when the whole world had one language and common speech. They were so united that they decided to build a city and a tower that would reach the heavens, thereby, making a name for themselves. God saw what they were building and said: “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language, so, they will not understand each other.”

So, God scattered them and they stopped building the city and tower. Now think about this, since the people were assigned different languages, why were the people of the same language not united?

My theory is that misunderstanding was lowkey created on that same day so that people of the same language would still not understand themselves because God’s ultimate goal was to ensure they do not understand each other enough to unite in that way ever again.

Whether this theory is true or false, we can all agree that there is no way around misunderstandings or conflicts. That being said, if we intend to reduce mental and emotional stress in our lives, we should start taking conflict resolution techniques seriously.
The What
As earlier stated, there are countless techniques and skills on this subject, and one of them comes to mind. This technique is comprehensible and practicable. A psychologist called Marsha M. Linehan developed interpersonal effectiveness skills in the 1980s as part of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), a type of psychotherapy that combines cognitive restructuring with acceptance, mindfulness, and shaping.

This technique has 28 skills in total, under four main categories: Mindfulness, Communication, Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance. We shall be focusing on Communication because this is the category through which we resolve misunderstandings whether successfully or disastrously.

First of all, not every misunderstanding must be discussed. Some issues die a natural death while some are one-offs, there’s no need to talk about them. Deciphering when and what not to bring up would save you from unnecessary drama. Now, in the case where a misunderstanding must be discussed, it is called a difficult conversation because tension exists and things could go south quickly.

According to this technique, it is important to ascertain the main purpose of a difficult conversation, like an agenda for a meeting. This knowledge determines the approach you should take and your tone in the conversation. Before you initiate a difficult conversation or respond to one, ask yourself what your priority is from the following:
1. The Objective/Getting What You Want
2. Protecting Your Self-Respect
3. Saving The Relationship Itself

Once you can pinpoint what you want out of a difficult conversation, you are well on your way to resolving the conflict successfully. There are skills for each of the three options which are easy to recall using acronyms. The next step is to apply the skills for the chosen priority.

The How
Priority: The Objective/Getting What You Want
Skill Acronym: DEAR (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce)
One might argue that the aim in every difficult conversation is getting what you want at the end of the day, but you must agree that sometimes, your relationship with someone is more important than being right. Other times, we rather preserve our self-respect than get what we want while feeling disgraced.

That being said, if what you want is the priority, then you can proceed to use the DEARMAN skill to guide your utterances. First, describe what has happened from your point of view as objectively as possible, also describe what you think the problem is.

Next is to assert what you want, no beating around or sugarcoating this time. Furthermore, reinforce what you have said by offering a reward to the other person, for example, state how getting what you want will improve the relationship.

While the conversation is ongoing, be mindful of the nonverbal cues, be confident and be open to negotiate.

Scenario: As a supervisor, you observed that one of your team members has been making errors in their assigned tasks and this has caused escalations to Management.
Describe- “I have observed errors in your emails recently, which has caused customer dissatisfaction.” Express- “I am quite worried about your ability to respond to emails effectively.”

Assert– “I would like you to pay more attention to details, to avoid unnecessary errors.”
Reinforce- “Your improvement in this area will secure your place as a valuable employee in this organisation.”

Priority B: Protecting Your Self-Respect
Skill Acronym: FAST (Fair, Apology Evaluation, Stick to Your Values, Truthfulness)
When your self-respect is the priority, it implies that you feel disrespected and would like to set things straight with the other person.

The first step in FAST skill is to be fair. It is very easy to invalidate the feelings of someone in defence of our image, but it is necessary to be fair in our statements otherwise, we will end up losing the self-respect that means the most to us in that moment.

The next is to be mindful not to overly apologise. Apologies should only be made if they make sense. Remember, your priority is not to be liked, you are firmly asking for respect from the
other person. Next, make sure to stick to your values and not be shamed for being who you are. Finally, be truthful, don’t lie. Do not make excuses or exaggerate.

Scenario: Your close friend publicly makes fun of you for things you shared with them in confidence, and it has happened multiple times.
Fair: “I understand that I have shared my funny but embarrassing moments with you and never told you how I feel about mentioning it to other people.”

Apology Evaluation: (No apologies needed in this case)
Stick To Your Value: “I am not comfortable with you sharing these embarrassing moments with anyone. I understand that it is funny and not a big deal to you, but it is to me.”
Truthfulness: “I know this has happened only two times” (No exaggeration).

Priority: The Relationship
Skill Acronym: GIVE (Gentle, Act Interested, Validate, Easy Manner)
When you want something, but the relationship is the priority, the GIVE skills are king.
Your tone should be gentle throughout the conversation as it will reduce the chances of a heated argument. Next, act interested when the other person is speaking, even if you do not agree with what they are saying.
This makes them feel heard. The next is to validate the feelings, opinions and difficulties of the other person. Lastly, use an easy manner; a little humour and a smile would be very helpful.

Scenario: You would like your spouse to stop keeping late nights.
Gentle: “Baby, you have been coming home late for the past few days. Is something wrong?”

Act Interested: (Listen actively to his/her explanation with keen interest)

Validate: (Validate some things he/she has said that you agree with)

Easy Manner: With a smile, “I miss you when you are away.” Crack a light joke and end the conversation.
These respective skills can be applied to all kinds of misunderstandings. Please note that things might not always go as planned.

The reaction of the other person can be upsetting. It is easy to derail from your chosen skill when the other person is not cooperative.

A tip for this possible occurrence is to stick to your skills and continue sounding like a broken record, repeating what are saying and not getting distracted by their negative responses.