Is it true that marriage is like a lottery? – Part 2

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Undoubtedly in these are signs for those who reflect.” (Qur’an 30V21) 

Now when it is said that marriage in Islam is an act of worship this begins to become pertinent when consideration is given to the challenges that usually follow its solemnization. When a woman leaves her home for another, it means she is prepared to be a friend to all and an enemy to none.

In other words, to be married into a family is to recognize and respect the right of your in-laws and, I should say ‘out-laws’. Yes. Every family is usually blessed with its own share of ‘in-laws’ and ‘out-laws’. The first are ‘angels’ who strengthen you on a daily basis, the second are ‘devils’ who remind you that this world is not meant for the ‘saints’; the first make the wife forget she is a familiar-stranger among her ‘in-laws’, the second constantly call her attention to the fact that no matter the spousal or marital links and connections, blood relationship is more important than familial connections and affectations. Thus, marital success consists of not only the opportunity and privileges afforded the woman by her in-laws; it also depends, to a large extent, on the extent to which she can manage the excesses of her ‘’out-laws”.

In order for your marriage and mine to be successful, Muslim couples are expected to include the following ingredients in the menu of marriage. First is the four Ps: piety, patience, perseverance and prayer. Brethren, life and living in a conscious negation of the presence of the Almighty makes for life of iniquity and dissoluteness. Thus piety (taqwa) becomes a very important item that must constantly be given prominence in our marital life. Avoid what He says we should avoid; do His bidding at all times. Again, to be pious is to have and find contentment in every little thing He has provided for us. Sister, remember that contentment is not found in having everything but in being satisfied with every little thing we have.

Brother, one other marker of our piety is ouR ability to be patient with Him, to persevere and to be in constant touch with Him through prayers and supplications. Brother, marriage is for ‘long-distance runners’. For others, it is a like a cloth you wear today and discard tomorrow.

Second, you need two SRs: selective remembrance and selective response. Dear sister, to be married is to position yourself in that situation in which to know is to plead ignorance; it is that situation in which willful ignorance on the part of the wife vouchsafes wisdom and maturity.

Third is the three Cs: contentment, constant conurbation and constant communication. To live a successful marital life, Muslim couples should be aware that Shaytan has no business with those who have failed; his business and interest lies with those who have succeeded.

Ladies and gentlemen, marriage in Islam is also about norms and exceptions; the norm that, for example, the union between the man and woman would be blessed with the fruit of the womb; the exception, as in Prophet Ibrahim (AS), the existential necessity to marry more than one woman.

Unlike the Biblical stance, marriage to more than one woman at a time is permissible in Islam provided the man has the wherewithal to establish equity and fairness. In some cultures, cowives see one another as allies rather than rivals. In Botswana, women add an interesting wrinkle to the old European saying that “Woman’s work is never done.” In Botswana, it is claimed that traditional women usually say: “Without cowives, a woman’s work is never done.”

A researcher who worked with the Cheyenne Indians of the United States sometime ago was told of a chief who tried to get rid of two of his three wives. All three women defied him, saying that if he sent two of them away, he would have to give away the third as well.

Since it is permissible, it becomes unlawful for it to be delegitimized in line with contemporary ultra-feminist campaigns; again, since it is permitted by law in Islam and therefore not compulsory, it becomes an infraction for the masculinist to deploy it as a weapon in inter-gender power-politics. Nobody gets to know the pleasures in polygamous families until he becomes one; you do not know the pain in monogamy until it is late to cure it.

But the assumption is rife that children of polygamous families run the risk of having absentee fathers; that they never do well in life; that they populate our gated courtyards (prisons). This assumption may be true given the predilection for fatalism on the part of some of my brethren; those who think that their duties begin and end with bringing children to the world. This is against the Quranic injunction (Q2:233). Having said that, I must equally disagree. I should note that not in all occasions do we have 2+2 become 4.

In other words, polygamy is and has not always been a sad tale. Imagine what the world would have been in the absence of Ismail and Ishaq (AS). Thus, it is not the loins or the wombs that bear children alone that determine their earthly success; other factors need to be considered as well. In other words, it is not because they were born as twins that led to the success of A and the failure of B; A and B were subjects whose souls found space in their mother’s womb by chance; the reason this orange is sweet and that is sour though they were plucked from the same tree lies outside and beyond the trees from which the oranges were plucked. Each time you find water in the coconut, remember the power who has wrought that miracle never goes to sleep.

Let me begin to conclude. What type of marriage is yours? Is it like that of Prophet Lut (AS) in which the husband is an angel while the wife is a devil? Is it like that of Firawn in which the wife was an angel while the husband was an iniquitor? Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to believe that marriage is, for men, life imprisonment and, for women, life of permanent enjoyment. I equally refuse to hold that marriage is a relationship in which the husband is the head of the family while the wife is the neck that turns the head around. Is it true that that marriage is that event which usually leads to a situation when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her Master’s degree? My sister, I am unprepared to listen to that cynic who says marriage is like lottery- everybody buys the ticket but only a few gets to win the prize. What then do I believe? I believe that your marriage and mine is like a bird; whether the bird is dead or alive it is in your hand.