Lonelines in men
Sometimes men find it very hard to express their feelings to their partner. Especially emotional issues. They have absolutely no one to share their problems with. Most of us think when they hang out with their buddies; all they think or do is gossip. It’s not true all the time.
It turns out that men don’t really talk to anyone when something is bothering them. They tend to go off on their own and figure out the problem in some logical fashion that feels right for them. They generally prefer to mull things over in their head, preferably alone, before they make their next move.
Often times, men actually do get lonely and they suffer from this just as much as women can. The difference is, men don’t talk about it or seek out a friend to discuss it with or find others who are also feeling the same way.
Our environment has even made it more difficult for men to even admit that they’re lonely let alone talk about it freely. Men feel the pressure of portraying themselves as strong and stoic, as if nothing bothers them and nothing can penetrate their armor of steel. Meanwhile, men suffer from feelings of seclusion and many of them long for a deeper connection with women, as well as other men.
You have got to understand that men have long struggled with emotional intimacy, which is described as: “The experience of being deeply connected to another person who knows and understands your most important feelings and who shares his or her own with you.” I will tell you that guys who struggle with emotional intimacy are more likely to withdraw and isolate themselves during times of stress, when they most need help.
Men of all ages feel lonely at times and many feel as though they have no one to talk to. Married men are concerned that their wives wouldn’t understand their loneliness, nor would they have much sympathy for them, and most men assume their male friends aren’t exactly willing to hear how their buddy feels alone and depressed. Guys talk about sports, work, politics and attractive women, probably in that order.
Because we are talking about both married and single men here, there are differences between the two groups. It turns out, that men, who have been married for several years and have children, are the loneliest of them all. This, of course, does not mean that all married men with children are terribly lonely, but majority feel very lonely and isolated in their marriage. It stemmed mainly from the feeling that their spouse was no longer interested in them and they had fallen to the bottom of the priority list.
Countless men say that once their wives have given birth, everything changes. It felt to them that the children, their wife, the house had become more important than them. And while men are more inclined to put their wives happiness first, typically before their own, men feel as though their lives no longer matter. These type of men describe themselves as, “incredibly lonely.”
These type of men have also become accustomed to very sparse sexual encounters with their wives. This fact alone has contributed to much of their feelings of isolation. Men connect with women sexually and a good part of their happiness comes from being sexually active with, and receiving affection from, the woman they love. Men are not looking for threesomes, anal sex, swinging or even oral sex for that matter; they are mainly looking for affection and the feeling that they still had the ability to turn their wife on.
A 54-year-old engineer friend of mine who had been married for 16 years with 2 children told me that one of the most devastating things that can happen to a man is to know that he no longer turns his wife on and that she can’t stand the idea of being intimate with him. For him, this was at the heart of his feeling lonely and miserable. The irony of these stories is that almost all the men said they couldn’t imagine being married to any other woman and that they still loved their wives, but the lack of sex and affection was sometimes too much to bear. There were some other male friends of mine who told me they felt they had no other option but to have an affair, but many said they suffer through this isolation because they love their families and can’t imagine cheating on their spouse or living life without them; so they press on.
Now, Is “pressing on” the best we can hope for these days? I mean it was very disheartening to hear so many stories of men who feel they can’t share their true feelings with anyone. Most of the men I know didn’t have male friends that they felt comfortable discussing such deeply personal issues with, and typically married men have few close female platonic friendships.
So where does this leave men who are feeling hopeless and isolated? I don’t have the answer to that, but I can tell you that it is extremely prevalent and I would guess that more than half of the wives out there have no idea how terribly lonely and miserable their husbands truly are.
If you’re a woman reading this, flirting with your husband and letting him know that he still lights your fire, could go a long way. If you’re a man and this resonates with you, perhaps try telling your wife your real feelings and ask her for some understanding. Let her know how much her affection means to you and how much you intensely miss the girlfriend you married.
To our happiness. Cheers.
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