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Stop bleeding on people that didn’t hurt you

By Gbenga Adebambo
17 November 2018   |   3:08 am
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”- Unknown Someone said: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” We must stop killing good relationships around us by transferring aggression to others. Hurt feelings are inevitable in relationships and are bound to arise in a fast-paced world of imperfect…

Image of someone hurting

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”- Unknown

Someone said: “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.” We must stop killing good relationships around us by transferring aggression to others.

Hurt feelings are inevitable in relationships and are bound to arise in a fast-paced world of imperfect communication between people.

Pain is a part of life, as everyone goes through painful experiences at some point in their lives. It is how we cope with our pains and negative experiences that actually matters.

When one carries painful memories, mistrust or any hurt from the past, it is called emotional baggage.

It is important to remember that frequently, people hurt us because they too are in pain or hurting in some way.

Hurting people, hurts people! Sooner or later, someone will hurt you. There’s no avoiding this; it will happen.

However, more often than not, people won’t hurt you intentionally. The moment you recognise this is the moment you can act with compassion rather than in anger or any other way that could aggravate the situation further.

The most empowering thing about hurt is getting over it to live a fulfilling life.

Most times, feeling hurt is often nothing more than a state-of-mind, an interpretation you have made about your experience.

I don’t get angry with people that hurt me; I rather pity and empathise with them. The reason being that it takes someone that is hurting inside to actually hurt others.

Most times, our lives are the extension of our previous hurts. Do not carry previous hurts to present relationships.

We must always ensure that we thoroughly deal with our previous hurts before moving into a new relationship or else, our present partner would be a victim of our ‘unhealed’ hurts.

Don’t wound others to heal yourself; heal before you go into the next relationship or else, your next partner would be the object and target of your pain.

How can you productively handle previous hurts and abuses, so that they don’t ruin your present and future relationships? And if you are a victim of the unhealed version of your partner, you may actually need to help him/her to heal.

Like everyone, I have been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I have dealt with it using the following ideas.
Look Out For The Lessons And Not The Pain In Your Hurt

Some people come into our lives for a season, some for a reason, some for a lesson and some special ones for a blessing.

Never allow your past hurts to define you. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.

Look for the lessons that you have learnt from the experience. Focus on appreciating who you have become because of what you have experienced.

People would hurt you, but what you do with that hurt is probably more important than the hurt itself. Don’t just go through your hurts; grow through your hurt.

Don’t Bottle-up The Hurt; Share Your Pain With Trusted Friends

There is no guarantee that you would be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurts you, and if you can, there is no guarantee they would respond how you want them to.

Sharing your pain with trusted and mature friends can help you heal. Have a chat with a close family member or friend and explain what happened. Get their perspective and opinion about the situation and maybe even work with them to try and resolve your feelings.

Look out for people that can help you turn your dilemma into drama.

Forgive Yourself And The Person Who Hurts You

Unforgiveness is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone or drinking poison and hoping it would kill your enemies.

Life is an adventure in forgiveness and without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.

Forgiveness is the first step towards healing and happiness. When you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow.

Louis Dudek said: “What is forgiven is usually well remembered.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean ‘forgetting,’ but it does put us on the path to having a good memory of the past event. The brightest future would always be based on a forgotten past.

Don’t Accept Self-Criticism, Rebuild Your Self-Worth

Most times, people over-criticise themselves. Question your self-doubt and your own negative assumptions. Rather than becoming mired in emotional self-doubts, worry and sadness, you can take actions that would help you see the world and yourself in a more positive light.

Empathise And Don’t Take It Personally

The legendary Bob Marley said: “Everyone will hurt you, but you need to know those that are worth the hurt.” Feel compassion for the person who ‘caused’ you pain.

Try to remember that the person did the best with the resources he/she had and his/her challenges in life.

It is possible that the other person got caught up in the heat of the moment and said or did things they didn’t truly mean.

Likewise, it is also possible that they are going through pain themselves. They are hurting and unfortunately misdirecting their energy onto you.

This should, therefore, indicate that their words and actions have absolutely nothing to do with you, but rather, all to do with their own personal challenges and insecurities.

Ask yourself: Could they be hurting in some way? What could be the source of their pain? How could I best get them to open up and talk about their feelings?

Work On Your Expectation

Most times, people don’t actually hurt us, but they hurt our expectation of them. You are feeling hurt because in one way or the other, your expectations weren’t entirely actualised.

When our expectation is unhealthily high and unrealistic, we would ultimately get hurt. It certainly doesn’t help if you have a set of unrealistic expectations that would rarely, if ever, be satisfied.

In such instances, you need to work through your expectations and bring them back to reality. Otherwise, it is possible you are always going to end up getting hurt.

Move On

The most tranquil question to ask after a hurt is: “Where do I go from here?” If properly handled, your hurt can give you direction or probably redirection. Let go of the hurt and move on with your life.

Pain can be a beautiful thing if you channel it properly. To find direction during moments of hurt, it is important that you remind yourself of your strengths and of all the things that have brought you to this point in your life.

It is, therefore, important to re-direct your energies away from what is hurting you and instead refocus on your strongest qualities and things that bring you joy in the moment.

Remove The Victim’s Mindset

Stop being a victim of your previous hurts, as seeing yourself as a victim after a hurt empowers the pain.

One way to instantly feel better about yourself is to accept responsibility for what happened and for how events transpired.

In fact, you probably in some way, directly or indirectly, played a part in creating this situation. Recognise this.

Take responsibility for your part in creating problems. Ask yourself: How did my actions and the things I have said or failed to say help to create this situation or crisis?

You are at least partly responsible for what happened, and this is a good thing, because with responsibility comes the willingness to instigate positive change.

Once you feel at least partly responsible, this gives you the strength you need to potentially make things better, to right the wrongs.

Reduce Your Attachment To Other People And Their Opinion

There is a Buddhist ideology that says: “The root of all suffering is attachment.” Most of us were erroneously raised to value the opinions of others and dependent on how they view us.

Therefore, when someone we hold in esteem judges or rejects us, it hurts us so. We automatically enter into a pattern of reacting with equal hurt and pain. If you live for people’s acceptance, you would die from their rejection.

Set Boundaries In The Future

Most times, hurt can be a result of the violation of limits and boundaries. We must learn to set healthy boundaries and limits in relationships that help us avoid disrespect and hurts.

This would help you to move forward and avoid the same problem in the future.

Remove The Pain Triggers

There are things that can trigger past pains and make you feel them more deeply. It may be a gift, hand-written letter or literature. Pain triggers must be meticulously severed in order to live a fulfilling life.

Every hurt you experience gives you an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your values, rules, boundaries and personal expectations.

It gives you an opportunity to learn more about others and about how you relate to other people socially and intimately.

And as you learn, you grow, and as you grow, you would make better choices and decisions in the future, which would help you to manage and minimise your feelings of hurt far more effectively.