Tade Alalade: From pain to purpose

Tade Alalade is the founder of BeiBei Haven up a start-up Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO) set up to offer free support services to women and couples on their fertility journey. Tade saw a need to set up the foundation following personal fertility challenges and the need to support women with similar issues. Through monthly hang outs, BeiBei Haven has created a strong support network offering information and assistance to women dealing with fertility issues, miscarriages and complicated pregnancies. In this safe haven, women feel completely at ease to share experiences and gain support from others. In addition to the hangouts, BeiBei Haven also organizes annual Fertility Walks with the objective to remove the stigma around fertility, support couples and provide education. The overall objective is also to provide free IVF and IUI Cycles for women who cannot afford to pay for these treatments. In our exclusive interview with Tade, she shares her step by step guide on why and how she started BeiBei Haven as well as details of her personal struggles and triumphs.

Tell me a bit about Beibei Haven and why you started it?
TA: BeiBei Haven foundation is a non-governmental company driven by its mandate to support women and/or couples through their journey from trying to conceive to motherhood. I started it because I realised that we do not have enough support for couples going through infertility in Nigeria. While I was researching one day, I was reading an article on Infertility and literally every second they mentioned where you can get free help. I got so sad because there is very little help for free here. All I really want to do is to let people going through fertility challenges and/or a miscarriage know that they are not alone.

What do you hope to achieve?
I hope to help women dealing with Fertility challenges, Genotype challenges, Miscarriage and complicated pregnancies. There are so many ways to achieve this, I am taking everything one step at a time. With God on my side, I know I would be able to move mountains in Nigeria.

Pain sometimes creates a feeling of shame, fear and consequently silence. How did you manage to break free of shame and fear to speak out to others and create Beibei Haven?
Gosh I was ashamed for the longest time. Didn’t want people to know I was going through fertility challenges. We didn’t tell majority of our family. In Nigeria, I feel people use your fertility to dictate how you were in the past. I had been so “good” all my life because I wanted to be the best I could possibly be for my husband. Having issues getting pregnant was a slap in my face. I hated the fact that people could possibly think that I was loose back in the day.
Acceptance is the most important thing and realising that its not your fault. I just embraced my situation and decided to fight in head on. When there is a will there’s a way, God created medicine to help people like me. I was just grateful that I had options. Speaking out was a whole other matter as my husband and I are extremely private people. I had to wait till my husband and I were both on the same page before I could set up the foundation

At some point in your journey, you may have gotten to the place of accepting or at least making peace with your current circumstances? When and how did this happen for you?
After I had a bad late miscarriage and got out of it, I immediately started helping others. Without me realising, I stopped being ashamed of what I had gone through. I started helping close friends and family through their journey of trying to conceive. At the point when I started helping others, I hadn’t had kids of my own. The depression and grief that comes with loosing a child and managing to get out of the depression I found myself in was the reason I stopped thinking about myself and started thinking about others.

One of the first things we lose when we experience challenging circumstances is self worth? Did this happen to you? If so, how have you managed to regain your confidence and feelings of worth?
Funny enough, I don’t think I lost my self-worth while dealing with my fertility challenges. What I really dealt with was the shock of not being able to get pregnant fast after marriage. Everyone around me got pregnant and had children nearly immediately after. I thought that was going to be me. When dealing with this issue, the moment you stop thinking so much about what happened to you and have tunnel vision on what you want to achieve which is having a baby. Every decision you make and even feeling you have would be channeled towards the positive end goal.

Many times we want to wait until the particular situation is solved before we start speaking out, why did you decide to start now?
For the longest time I used to codedly help others. I would encourage a whole lot of friends around me who needed some form of assistance in trying to conceive. Those that were on the fence, I gave them strength and those that were dealing with a failed IVF cycle, I tried to give them courage to try again. January this year I had to help someone I didn’t know…. That was the moment I realised that I could help more people. I then started speaking out

One of the biggest challenges faced when moving from challenge to opportunity is the ‘how’’? Can you share with us at least 3 steps you took to transition from pain to passion?
I’m a person that thinks and does nearly immediately. I first decide on whether I can give it all it need so accomplish what I set out to do… if I’m in anyway unsure, I cannot start My number one must have is passion. When you set out to want to make a difference and help others, you have to rely mostly on your own strength and never accept defeat. Money or popularity can never be part of the reasons you want to do something. The second step is to set out a plan and structure. Once you want to do something, your ideas can be all over the place. You have to set down and switch off the noise, you have to realise what exactly you want to achieve and focus solely on it and not get side tracked into other areas you aren’t ready for. The most important step is to put God first and make him the center of whatever you want to do. The hangouts I have once a month are not religion related as I believe people of different faiths have this issue. I, on the other hand, have to bring God into all I needed to do as he’s the only one that can help me through it all. When you feel down, He would lift you up and stand by you every second of everyday. You would then see that favour would always come your way.

IBG: What are some of the challenges you faced so far creating the Beibei Haven brand?
TA: The fact that I have to rely a lot on other people is such a huge challenge for me. I am used to doing things myself at the pace needed to accomplish a given task. When you are setting up a foundation, you need a lot of volunteers. The issue is that because the passion is solely yours you have accept that fact that not everything you want to do cannot be exactly how you want it to be. You always have to have contingency plans and most of all appreciate the effort each volunteer makes towards making the plans of the foundation a reality and success

What sort of feedback (positive and negative) have you received?
Most of the feedback I have gotten has been sooooo positive. So many men and women encouraging me and supporting whichever way possible. The only negative I would say is that some people didn’t think I should come out with my name and part of my story publicly, they also say it could affect my child/children later in life when he has an idea of how he/she was conceived.

I always tell people that fertility is very hush hush. Everyone is  silent and acts like its not happening. Everyone has their gift and what they want to achieve when setting up a foundation. Some women need their privacy either to protect themselves, their husband or family. I always tell people that this is my calling and I have to do whatever I can possibly do to achieve this. In terms of my kids, I plan on letting he/she know exactly how they were conceived. They were a blessing and a miracle.

They’ll by God’s grace use this information to educate their peers and by doing this, break the silence around infertility.

Do you wish you started earlier? Yes/No? Why?
No I don’t. When you want to set up a foundation and open yourself up to others. You need to be 100% sure and get to a point where you would never regret as well as stop what you set out to do. People need the foundation, that’s why it was set up. To start prematurely and end abruptly is unfair not only to yourself but to others who need your services

On your bad days, what keeps you motivated as you carry on developing the Beibei Haven  brand?
I always think of the peoples lives that are impacted by the foundation. It makes me sooo happy. I always feel like I go through things for a reason, on my bad days I just think about what I went through….. it immediately makes everything worth it.

What plans do you have for Beibei Haven over the next 5 years?
Wow! 5 years. My head keeps cooking up so many things. I always tame is down and take things project by project. So far I plan on making the hangouts a go to for women struggling with Fertility issues, a miscarriage and genotype challenges. I plan on organising as many outreach projects as possible to enlighten Nigerians on topics relating to infertility.

What is the most important thing your challenge has taught you?
Be Thankful in all situations, be extremely slow to anger and most importantly always put God first.

What advice do you have for women who are looking for ways to move from challenge to opportunity?
First of all always be true to yourself, take each challenge one step at a time and don’t leap before you’re ready. Don’t rush to get out of the challenge, take your time … ignore pressure

With each challenge always put God first because he can make mountains move in your favour.
Most importantly help others either through supporting or volunteering for a foundation related to what your challenge is or even setting up a foundation of your own. Setting up a foundation is not as easy as people might think but it is possible to do and can help multitudes of people. The most important thing though is to help others.