Making your marriage work

Introduction
In a magazine interview, a woman was told: “You are lucky, your husband loves you.” She replied: “It is not a matter of luck, but of hard work. I have put in everything I could to make my marriage to work.” Nothing worthwhile is obtained without an effort. Good marriage is not an exceptional. Until you work, nothing works for you; until you move, nothing moves for you. Something does not come out of nothing. If you do nothing, you will get nothing.

We have all read romantic novels and watched Nollywood love films where a couple fell in love and married and lived happily ever after. In real life situation, such does not exist. A marriage counsellor said that marriage is an empty box; it is what the couple put into it that they will get. It is a fertile soil; it is what you sow that you will reap (Gal 6:7). In a Facebook comment, someone said that the best thing a wife can give her husband is peace. Another personreacting to that statement said: “That is if the man wants peace.” In other words, if her husband wants “katakata” (trouble) she will give him “katakata.” Such a lady needs to understand that marriage is an empty box or a fertile ground, which whatever a man puts in it, is what he will get. If he sows peace, he reaps peace; if he sows trouble, he reaps trouble; if he sows love, he reaps love; if he sows resentment he reaps resentment; if he sows honour, he reapshonour; if he sows dishonour, he reaps dishonour.

How To Make Your Marriage Work

•Understand The Purpose Of Marriage
It is said that when purpose is not understood abuse becomes inevitable. We were teaching marriage relationship in Lafia, Nasarawa State, where two female students asked, “suppose one decides to marry just to have fun and not to have children? Also, some think that marriage is just to offer them opportunity to be free with the opposite sex.” Yes marriage can lead to those issues (fun and freedom to live with the opposite sex).
Biblical Purposes For Marriage

• Companionship (Gen 2:18)
Man was not created a lone-ranger; an island to himself. God, at creation, saw that it is not good for man to be alone; he needs a companion. However, those who have no need of a female companion should not go about looking for one. It was GbileAkani that said that until the Lord tells you that it is not good for you to remain alone do not go about looking for a companion. You are a second year student whose school fees, books and other necessities are provided for by your parents. Because the Scripture said that it is not good for a man to be alone, you set your eyes on your female course mate. Be careful. Until you are established, do not think of establishing a home.

For those who are married, your attention is first and foremost to your spouse, not your parents, siblings, colleagues or even your career. To leave your spouse alone, at home, and go to work and return late to face other things without still being available to them defeats the purpose of marriage and will ultimately destroy the marriage itself; for when friends are not talking, they drift apart.

• Assistance (Gen 2:18b)
God did not just create a companion for the man. He made one who was a suitable assistant. A helpmeet not help mate. Husband and wife are not mates. Mate suggests a position of equality and competition. Hence we say, ‘our classmates.’ These are fellow students in the same class with us, taught the same subjects by the same teachers and compete for position in the same examinations. This cannot be the case in marriage. Marriage creates room for cooperation and complement and not competition. The man is the head of the family even of his wife (Eph. 5:22). God made him a ruler over his wife (Gen 3:16). This negates the concept of “Head-neck”/ “Chairman, Co-chairman:” the man is the head and the woman is the neck. As the neck, the woman carries the man and can turn him to whichever direction she wills. And as co-chairman two of them are equal; no one is above the other. The concept of co-chairman is popular in Nigeria where no tribe or religion wants to be second to the other. Therefore, in giving appointment where the two major religions — Islam and Christianity — are involved, you appoint them, chairman/co-chairman; secretary/co-secretary since nobody will like to serve under another from a different faith. Such is abnormal in a marriage relationship.

In every organisation, someone must be the head. Take government, in a democratic state for example, though the legislature has the right to make laws, the president, as head of government, can veto the laws made by the legislature. In the home, the right of veto belongs to the man. The concept of co-chairman means that the wife shares the power of veto with the husband. The man can veto the decision of the woman and vice versa. A case where the man vetoes the decision of the woman and the woman vetoes the decision of the man will give room to anarchy.

However, the man rules in love and not as a dictator. The Biblical injunction to Christian husbands is to love their wives just as Christ loved the church to the extent of giving His life for her. As one who loves his wife in Jesus Christ’s way, the christian husband can do anything to please the wife not minding his position as the head. Christ did the same when he stooped low and washed His disciples’ feet (John 13; 4-15), which was a duty of a slave.
In the same vein, Paul asked the husbands to submit to their wives just as they expect their wives to submit to them (Eph 5:21).

• Dr. Emeka-Charles Amaefule is the Nat’l Director, Christ Ambassadors Students Outreach (CASOR), Assemblies of God, Nigeria.